We are a weird people, in my not so humble opinion

I've never hosted a foreign exchange student, but sometimes I like to pretend that my four year old is just an inquisitive foreigner that I have to introduce our culture to... it's nice to switch things up a bit.

Truly though, I love that he asks the type of questions that force me to see how ridiculous some of my own practices and beliefs are. His questions even make me feel better about the things I've never understood about our culture, for instance, now I know I'm not the only one who wonders why high heels exist if they're not fun to walk in, or why all books don't have pictures in them.

I have always been driven to understand the "why" behind things. It makes me crazy when others don't share this personality trait, but then again, those people probably get a lot more sleep than I do (and will probably live a good ten years longer too). I'm glad that Kelan seems to be a natural "skeptic", even if it does make me crazy in an, oh-my-god-shut-up-and-just-do-it-already-don't-ask-why-just-obey!!! (Which is kind of what I imagine a lot of our politicians think to themselves....)

What all of this has so clearly been leading to is a list of things that I will never understand how to explain to him, all of these are things he's asked except for one (you can try to guess which). It's a list of things that I will never understand about our society.

1. People who are above the rules, in both large and small ways- and it's not the big stuff that gets to me, really. White collar crime? Murder? I can kind of wrap my brain around it. Mostly it's mental illness and narcissism, plain and simple. But the small stuff? Like cutting in front of me in line? Refusing to obey the rules of a four way stop? Jaywalking? That's the stuff that makes me want to pull a person aside and ask, "Why does everyone have to follow the rules but you? What makes you so special?"*

2. Breast implants- As a culture, we are so incredibly vain. I am not "against" breast implants or anything. Plastic surgery has its place.** But I've just never really understood it. The only time I think I could advise anyone to do it, is if they could honestly answer the following, "If after the surgery, you woke up to realize that you were the last person left on Earth, would you still do it?" Not that the procedure would cause the human race to die out, just that you could be absolutely sure that you were doing it for yourself and not anyone else. Because, I understand that we are visual creatures. I can appreciate beauty and symmetry, but whenever I see a pair of perfect, obviously fake breasts, all I can think, is that they look like that because somebody CUT THEM OPEN or otherwise shoved some sort of plastic-y liquid filled bags in there.

3. Over sized cars (and don't even get me started on mansions)- Do you own a Tahoe? An Excursion? Do you own an over sized pick up truck? I'm not judging you, but I do want to know why... because the only answer I will understand, is that you a) have six to sixteen kids to haul around, b) live in your large SUV, or c) haul large things daily. DAILY. Otherwise, I just can't quite see the reason. I'll still like you, I'll still be your friend (if you are not an asshole), but I'll ask you an endless stream of why questions, if that's okay.

4. Taxidermy- What? The hell? My sister recently made me watch this famous commercial on Youtube, which I replayed and laughed at about 500 times; But the commercial, combined with a local trip to a nature preserve really made me wonder about taxidermy. We've all (okay, maybe not everyone) stayed at that friend's cottage and had a creepy night's sleep under a large dead dear head with it's eyes staring at you. Or at the very least have come face to face with that large moose behind counter at Abercrombie and Fitch. Have you ever stopped to wonder why? My four year old and I have. Why would someone want a dead animal in their house? Why would another someone study the art of how to turn a dead animal into a permanently alive-looking dead animal? Does this not creep you out just a little? As far as I'm concerned, Jeffrey Dahmer tried that with people and that was frowned upon. It seems like just a small line to cross from a moose if you really think about it though...

5. Catch-and-release fishing- I'm not against hunting and fishing. I do think it's become a little perverted in modern time considering it used to be for life instead of for sport, but I understand hunting. I don't despise hunters or anything. What I don't quite get is catch-and-release fishing for "fun."  I mean, it has to be just a little bit of a power trip. Why do it? So that you can prove that fish can be tricked by your bait? It just makes me think of how strange it would be if I was walking along the street one day and grabbed a yummy doughnut to take a bite only to be pulled into who knows where, maimed, and then thrown back. I wonder if it causes some sort of food phobias in fish populations. I should study this.

So yeah. What have you had a hard time explaining to your foreign exchange student, child, self?


* Which is why I do not subscribe to helicopter parenting. Is there a better way to create entitlement issues? I can't think of one.

** (Insert bath salts/ face-eating reference here)

Unless you are a fan of vomiting in your mouth a little, don't read this.

I'm not posting this one on Facebook because I don't want to bore anyone to death with details that, frankly, aren't even a little exciting.  But all the same, I needed someplace to document this stuff because I'm getting older, and there's no way this is going to stay in my brain long.



A picture could not relay this, but he is singing in the rain.


One of those just between us, veteran-mom-speaks-to-novice-mom type books during my last months of pregnancy warned me that it's normal for the whole "motherhood" thing not to hit you right away.  A lot of veterans mentioned that feeling of unreality about having a child, even described feeling as if they were just babysitting long term or didn't feel like a "real" mom until some poingnant moment came along and it suddenly hit them.

I most definitely didn't feel like a "real" mom right away. It hit me slowly over his first year actually.  It was always those little shoes that did it. I'd be picking up those tiny shoes off the floor and think, "Holy crap, I'm someone's mom." Same thing when I'd be folding onesies at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night, which might as well have been midnight. The big one though, that one poignant moment that hit me like a bolt of lightning, happened when he was a little over a year old.  I had him out for a walk in his stroller and he'd had a cold.  I remember wiping his nose and then freaking out because, where do I put this dirty Kleenex? Yeah, the moment that shoved me over the line into full-on motherhood, was the first time I shoved a dirty Kleenex in my coat pocket. There's no turning back from that. It's probably one step down from using spit to clean your kid's face. 

I take a lot of unusual pictures around the house; Pictures of toys set up in the midst of play, of the superheros lined up on the bathtub to dry, of that jar that he tried to keep the latest caterpiller in, along with one lonely dead leaf. If you looked at my iPod or cell phone's stored pictures, you'd find a lot of random scenes like that. Not because I'm trying to be super artsy and unique, but because these are the things I'm scared of forgetting. Just like the dirty Kleenex and the baby shoes, I'm terrified that by the time he's speeding in our car and lusting after vapid, overly made-up girls, I'll have lost the memory of the time he let me take a nap when I was tired, and busied himself by building a huge duplo creation. And when I woke up, how he was so excited to tell me it was called "The double tree restaraunt"- his restaraunt that only sold pancakes and strawberries. The lego guys sure seemed to be enjoying it.

I'll end this with a list of my favorite Kelan words and phrases- the things he has defined himself, and I love them too much to correct him on. 

Fire letter- lighter
Washing syrup- laundry detergent
"The sand for the dishwasher"- Cascade
"For the heck of god"- he says this when he is frustrated
The butt snacks- Veggie Booty or any of the like
The block store- The learning shop
The puzzle game- any iPod or mobile device

If I don't answer the door, assume that I am off shopping for ugly lawn ornaments

Four weeks until freedom.

In just four short weeks our contract with the latest realtor is up.  She has been such a great realtor, but we need a break from the insanity.

I'm positive this is the right decision for now, because I'm already fantasizing about coming home to a house without one of those stupid key holder boxes on the door.  It's been so long that I have forgotten what our doorknob looks like.

It's crazy the things that you can adjust to when a process that is meant to take a couple of months ends up dragging on for years.  Nothing surprises me about the homebuyer anymore. It doesn't phase me when I see people trying to peek into my windows. I'm no longer taken aback when someone knocks on the door at eight in the morning wanting to know the price. And when Sean is out doing yardwork on the weekend and someone begs to come through the house?  I actually survey the mess and contemplate, instead of being appalled. I'm not exaggerating. This has all happened.  More than once.

A couple of weeks ago, I came home to find a large van blocking my driveway.  With my arms full of groceries, I casually went inside and set them down before confronting the strange woman on my deck.  She had "just come by to check out the property" which she mistakenly had assumed was "vacant" which surprised me, considering Kelan's bike was parked on the front walk.
But these days, my head is in a house sans a For Sale sign in the front yard. I'm almost feeling a little rebellious. The freedom will bring seemingly endless possibilities! I can stop being hyperaware of the superficial negatives of the house. Hell, in a month, if I want to, I can put a bed in the livingroom! I can plaster the rooms with personal pictures, paint a room neon pink, or even take a shower without being unduly afraid that the call center has gotten the time wrong or forgotten to confirm a showing and someone might walk in at any moment.*

This zombie lawn art?  Is now officially an option. I bet you take that for granted, comfortable home owner.

I am excitedly awaiting that large sigh of relief that I can breathe on August 1st. 


*The various call centers have yet to mess up, but it doesn't stop me from showering with lightening speed on days with showings...