2014- Sitting with it

My 2014 in a quote?

       "Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."  

                                               C.S. Lewis

"Sitting with it" is a term that psychotherapists use to describe the uncomfortable process of feeling strong emotions.  I am a chronic avoider, a lover of distraction.  I enjoy escaping into humor and light-hearted fun. When a therapist told me that I had issues with avoidance, I couldn't possibly understand the problem. "Um yeah, I don't like to feel crappy and anxious, I'm crazy like that." Is what I remember defensively uttering back. 

This year though, I vowed to face things in a more straightforward fashion; And *spoiler alert, it sucked. Then it sucked some more. In the end though, I came out with a lot more peace in my life. I ate more humble pie and scowled at the people who were too nice to say, "told you so."  

In 2014, I sat with my (many) imperfections. I felt the full chaos of a messy house and learned to sit down with the baby and be in that moment. I sat with the anxiety of not knowing what would come next, and learned that I would be able to deal. It was predictably, pretty terrifying. For awhile.  But then it wasn't so much.  I sat with gaining.  I sat at a healthy weight and I didn't cease to function. This was, perhaps, my biggest win. It may seem shallow but I'm proud. 

In 2014 I sacrificed the quest for perfection and started the quest for authenticity. I stopped asking myself what I should be doing that's more "normal" and started asking myself what I could be doing that's more "healthy".

In 2014 there were first steps and kisses, parent-teacher conferences and cub scouts. There was terrorism and Ebola and bombs and hunger.  There was a big picture as well and my tiny world to battle with. 2014 taught me to love until it hurts and to forgive even if it's for my own benefit. 

It's been a freaking long, terribly exhausting, and  seriously humbling year, you guys. But I wouldn't change it for a thing.

So if you're reading this, Thanks for being in my life. I mean that.

Happy New Year! Bring on 2015 (I think).

  

Oh hello there, 2014

I have to admit, I've wanted to start blogging again for awhile now but it took me several months of random password guesses to get into this account. I'm both proud of and disturbed by my ability to protect my blog from my potential blogging.

I've missed this though. I've missed the tiny corner of the internet where I get to share my ramblings and pictures, because lately Facebook has been scaring the shit out of me. Ever since they added that trending section and I get to constantly see updates about Ebola and global warming and this zombie apocalypse that people are sure is going to happen. It's been making me a little...tense. Needless to say, I'm not a person that seeks out the kind of news that updates every millisecond with the latest way everyone is sure to die a horrible, miserable death VERY VERY soon.

So with that out there, I'd like to share some things that made me smile today. Things that actually weren't about Ebola or war or whichever former childhood star is making the worst choice possible.

Today I dropped Kai off for a couple hours at the drop-in childcare center so that I could navigate the boundless ocean of housework that seeks to drown me daily.  For a few short hours, I was able to delegate the wrestling match that is changing his diapers.  I was able to focus on a task without wondering if the quiet actually meant that Kai was in mortal danger -- and before you roll your eyes thinking I'm being hyperbolic, I did have to call poison control last week after he had a run in with my baking cupboard and more specifically, my almond extract. My children are lucky to survive me.

When I returned to pick him up, the sweetest thing happened.  The daycare teacher ran to get her phone... She was so genuinely excited to show me a picture that she had taken of Kai when he fell asleep in the middle of bouncing like a maniac.

Later this afternoon we had Kelan's first parent-teacher conference with his new teacher. She started by sharing an anecdote about him; how the "mother hens" in the class were jumping in to help him when he hurt his hand last week. She spoke of all her students with genuine interest and enthusiasm for their successes. It was really touching.

I've seen a lot of amazing teachers getting understandably fed up with the politics lately, I've seen some good ones leave the profession because of the insane demands and the ridiculous budget cuts. I've seen some become apathetic and passionless and honestly, I have nothing but compassion for them. However, when I see a teacher that goes above and beyond, that genuinely cares about education and is willing to be at the front lines against the crazy helicopter parents and the intruder trainings and the endless red tape, it makes me forget about the doom and the Ebola and the fact that there are groups of people that call themselves "preppers". It makes me smile. It gives me the energy to do it all over again tomorrow, provided the zombies don't get me in my sleep.