2014- Sitting with it

My 2014 in a quote?

       "Experience: That most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."  

                                               C.S. Lewis

"Sitting with it" is a term that psychotherapists use to describe the uncomfortable process of feeling strong emotions.  I am a chronic avoider, a lover of distraction.  I enjoy escaping into humor and light-hearted fun. When a therapist told me that I had issues with avoidance, I couldn't possibly understand the problem. "Um yeah, I don't like to feel crappy and anxious, I'm crazy like that." Is what I remember defensively uttering back. 

This year though, I vowed to face things in a more straightforward fashion; And *spoiler alert, it sucked. Then it sucked some more. In the end though, I came out with a lot more peace in my life. I ate more humble pie and scowled at the people who were too nice to say, "told you so."  

In 2014, I sat with my (many) imperfections. I felt the full chaos of a messy house and learned to sit down with the baby and be in that moment. I sat with the anxiety of not knowing what would come next, and learned that I would be able to deal. It was predictably, pretty terrifying. For awhile.  But then it wasn't so much.  I sat with gaining.  I sat at a healthy weight and I didn't cease to function. This was, perhaps, my biggest win. It may seem shallow but I'm proud. 

In 2014 I sacrificed the quest for perfection and started the quest for authenticity. I stopped asking myself what I should be doing that's more "normal" and started asking myself what I could be doing that's more "healthy".

In 2014 there were first steps and kisses, parent-teacher conferences and cub scouts. There was terrorism and Ebola and bombs and hunger.  There was a big picture as well and my tiny world to battle with. 2014 taught me to love until it hurts and to forgive even if it's for my own benefit. 

It's been a freaking long, terribly exhausting, and  seriously humbling year, you guys. But I wouldn't change it for a thing.

So if you're reading this, Thanks for being in my life. I mean that.

Happy New Year! Bring on 2015 (I think).