I have this habit of trying to figure out where I was and what I was doing exactly one year ago, at any given time. I think I do it because it’s a good way to gauge time. It’s hard to grasp how a year can feel like forever, but can also seem like a few minutes. A couple of days a year, this is really easy to do - like Christmas, and I guess now, Kelan’s birthday.He is my first child, but I wonder if all parents think of the day their child was born on their birthday every year. Is it just on the first birthday that the day they were born feels so tangible? I know it sounds pathetically cliché to write this today, but it does feel like yesterday. Maybe it’s because things get burned into your memory during major life-changing events. I feel like if I closed my eyes I could be back in the hospital with newborn Kelan: watching reruns of Friends with Sean, holding Kelan, and feeling that surreal I can’t believe I am finally holding my son feeling.
Even now, when Kelan talks to me (you know those completely incoherent babbles that only a mother could recognize as words from the English language) or as he is standing up trying to reach for something completely dangerous that he shouldn’t even be near—I’m thinking to myself, How can you be doing this? I can still smell that antibacterial hand wash that all the nurses use! I want to hold onto the baby Kelan memories, but I also want to skip ahead and find out what his little personality will be like in a year or two. Parenthood is strange that way.
So Happy Birthday Kelan and a big thanks to Sean. We made it through the first year virtually unscathed! This blog is a sort of a present for all of us. Hopefully it will be a way to bridge the time between this birthday and next. So that next November 29th, 28th, or 30th for that matter, when I am trying to figure out where that year went- I’ll have my answer.
2 comments:
Emily, Welcome to motherhood. Yes, you go back every year to that one moment in time when your life changed. It doesn't matter if your child is 1 or 24; you are transported - complete with the overwhelming rush of joy, love, hope, and endless possibilities - to that moment when you first held your little one in your arms. You can still see that perfect squinched up face and feel the little fingers wrapped around yours. It's amazing to think that one little being could change your world. (Well, in my case 3 - correction 4- I get the bonus of a grandson.) Hold on to those memories as you face the challenges of motherhood. See that little face and the dreams you have for him as it will give you the strength when you have to say "no" and hear him say "I hate you". Motherhood isn't always easy, but it sure is worth it. Enjoy the beauty and the laughter of your little one. Don't be so busy that you miss those moments that will never come again.
Emily, you brought tears to my eyes. You are a great writer. And yes, I think it is a favorite pastime of many mothers to recount the day their child was born. It's funny that you mention the antibacterial handsoap from the hospital, because that's a visceral memory for me of all my kids' births. That smell is so distinct to me. Anyway, happy birthday, Kelan, and happy "birthday," Emily!
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