Nothing like a good old fashioned existential meltdown

I haven't been myself lately.

I guess one could argue that it has been for the past two years, but whatever the timeline, I am ready to be out of this funk. Which begs the question- how many quarter life crises is one person entitled to? Or is this still the first one?

Perhaps I should expand. I am freaking out. A little. OK a lot. I'm at a point where I kind of need to decide what's next, and I just can't seem to do it. One big factor is family planning. Sean and I had firmly decided to try for baby #2 this past fall. It seemed pretty perfect when we were planning it out. What's not to love right? A sibling for Kelan, we get to break out those teeny onesies, and get those professional pictures taken with the floppy headed sleeping newborn awwww...

It all seems so great, I just can't seem to grasp why the mere thought of seeing two lines on a stick has me in a cold sweat - dry heaving.

What is wrong with me? There is this huge world out there, and people with actual problems, and here I am awake at night wondering what people will think of me if I don't want to breastfeed ever again.

And there seems to be something so permanent about having two kids... like having one means that you are those casual parents who can still pretty much function without a complete lifestyle change and having more makes you that woman from the Suave commercial with all those kids hanging off her and the really messy hair...

I've seen people do it... I've seen people do it well, smiling as they have the one in the bjorn and the two in the stroller- and they somehow remember the pacifiers and the blankets, and the special foods that each kid likes, and that is what scares the crap out of me. I think I can't do that! I have a pile of laundry in the basement that is taller than my firstborn, I lost my library card twice last week. I barely get my crappy casserole on the table by seven each night!

So yeah- This is my life lately. One minute I feel utterly fulfilled and complete with my little family, and the next I want two more kids. One minute I love being a stay at home mom with all my heart, and the next I'm thinking of finishing school.

Maybe it's just the cabin fever.

Sorry for the overshare.