Someone hand me a drink, before I think myself to death

I have to admit, it's not writer's block or an insanely busy schedule that has kept me away from this blog.  Sadly, it's just my raging insecurities, and the fact that if you are reading this, you might be judging me.

Once in awhile I will think of a quote from that movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" that has stuck with me for years. Actually, it's a conversation that Johnny Depp's character has with Juliette Lewis' character. Juliette asks Johnny* what it is he wants in life and he starts to list the things he wants for his family. She ignores it and presses him to answer what it really is that he wants for himself. He finally replies with, "I just want to be a good person"* I know it sounds childish and completely trite, but I totally understand that line, which I guess kind of goes without saying, or I probably wouldn't be refrencing a strange film from the early nineties.

I've heard people mention that they "are not good at taking criticism," and I'm not sure I know what this means.  Does it mean that you instantly become super angry and defensive? Suicidal? Or that you just don't use the information to elicit any changes? 

I think I am amazing at taking criticism.  Which is why I think so many people offer it so freely. I just kind of ponder it and use the information to create crazy racing thoughts that keep me awake at night; wondering what it all means, and what I should do about it.** I had a therapist once call this process, "mental masturbation" I suppose because it is actually kind of a narcissistic process that hides under the guise of self improvement.

What I'm saying is that this has been a year of much self examination so far, and it's only April.  I have had the chance to see myself through a lot of other peoples' eyes, and am still trying to figure out what I want to do about it.  I vacillate between wanting to make people understand me and trying my hardest to make everyone love me, and wanting to simplify things by being so private that no one even knows what I do or say so they don't even get a chance to have an opinion.

So my solution I think, is going to be throwing myself into more volunteer work, so that I can get a break from thinking about myself period, because I'm kind of sick of humble pie. It's pretty much all I eat these days. True Story. 

Um, lighter posts to follow soon?



*I'm sorry, I am too lazy to IMDb this and find the actual names, well just hers because his is in the title, I suppose. 

** It's sick, I mean, you should be thankful that you were not in my head during the "I'm quitting breastfeeding, or aren't I era, that lasted roughly eight weeks. The social pressure of this decision has made me dry heave when anyone even mentions it.  And I dare you to ask me about my plans if I ever get pregnant again.  I. dare. you.