I hope I don't jinx anything by doing an early New Years post

I've spent a lot of time reflecting lately, on this past year and all of the new lessons I had to learn the hard way; On all the accomplishments and setbacks, and of course all the crazy. This is what I ended up with, bullet-point style:

The world didn't end on December 21st- so there's that.

Parenting continues to be the neverending lesson in futility, but apparently the universe wants to pound that one in.  I'm a slow learner, what can I say? In my defense,  Infancy is a big huge parenting tease. you put them in the cute clothes, buckle them in the car seat, and take off.  It's a micromanager's dream.  But then they get opinions, and with that comes the bittersweet realization that, as a parent, letting go is all you'll ever do.

Truthfully, There are a lot of power struggles in my home.  Sean and I could not be more opposite on the parenting-style spectrum, and yet we are on the exact same side of the stubbornness scale.  Luckily for us, we didn't get a very malleable child, or we'd be screwed.  Kelan knows himself, and is strong-willed, he's better off for it, even if I don't agree tomorrow. Or by the time I'm finished writing this sentence.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not so eloquently, I might add, is that learning to let go is a constant lesson in my life, 2012 was no exception. My dad likes to remind me that control is an illusion anyway, and I'm grateful for that.

Which, Segue! Brings me to...

Gratitude. By far and away the most important force in my life this year.  Because, a tiny part of me always knew that I'd be ready to move on from the money pit just as soon as I started to like it.  I don't know what it was about that house, but it just always seemed to symbolize all the "stuck" in my life, and the resentment was palpable.  It was like I was literally living in my own negativity.  We all were.  And then we took it off the market and I just decided to be grateful. For everything.  Little by little.  I realize that I am sounding kind of nuts, but hear me out.  It was the key, the key to moving forward and not being stuck anymore.

So I carry it on to this new place in my life, I'm grateful for every little part of it, and deep--really freaking deep down, I know it could not be, unless I'd been "stuck" for a ridiculous amount of time.  But don't tell me that a year ago- I would have probably slapped you in the face.

I think that's probably enough reflection for the day.

Summary: 2012 was eventful.  2013 has its work cut out for it.

Happy Early New Year!

Unless you are a fan of vomiting in your mouth a little, don't read this.

I'm not posting this one on Facebook because I don't want to bore anyone to death with details that, frankly, aren't even a little exciting.  But all the same, I needed someplace to document this stuff because I'm getting older, and there's no way this is going to stay in my brain long.



A picture could not relay this, but he is singing in the rain.


One of those just between us, veteran-mom-speaks-to-novice-mom type books during my last months of pregnancy warned me that it's normal for the whole "motherhood" thing not to hit you right away.  A lot of veterans mentioned that feeling of unreality about having a child, even described feeling as if they were just babysitting long term or didn't feel like a "real" mom until some poingnant moment came along and it suddenly hit them.

I most definitely didn't feel like a "real" mom right away. It hit me slowly over his first year actually.  It was always those little shoes that did it. I'd be picking up those tiny shoes off the floor and think, "Holy crap, I'm someone's mom." Same thing when I'd be folding onesies at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night, which might as well have been midnight. The big one though, that one poignant moment that hit me like a bolt of lightning, happened when he was a little over a year old.  I had him out for a walk in his stroller and he'd had a cold.  I remember wiping his nose and then freaking out because, where do I put this dirty Kleenex? Yeah, the moment that shoved me over the line into full-on motherhood, was the first time I shoved a dirty Kleenex in my coat pocket. There's no turning back from that. It's probably one step down from using spit to clean your kid's face. 

I take a lot of unusual pictures around the house; Pictures of toys set up in the midst of play, of the superheros lined up on the bathtub to dry, of that jar that he tried to keep the latest caterpiller in, along with one lonely dead leaf. If you looked at my iPod or cell phone's stored pictures, you'd find a lot of random scenes like that. Not because I'm trying to be super artsy and unique, but because these are the things I'm scared of forgetting. Just like the dirty Kleenex and the baby shoes, I'm terrified that by the time he's speeding in our car and lusting after vapid, overly made-up girls, I'll have lost the memory of the time he let me take a nap when I was tired, and busied himself by building a huge duplo creation. And when I woke up, how he was so excited to tell me it was called "The double tree restaraunt"- his restaraunt that only sold pancakes and strawberries. The lego guys sure seemed to be enjoying it.

I'll end this with a list of my favorite Kelan words and phrases- the things he has defined himself, and I love them too much to correct him on. 

Fire letter- lighter
Washing syrup- laundry detergent
"The sand for the dishwasher"- Cascade
"For the heck of god"- he says this when he is frustrated
The butt snacks- Veggie Booty or any of the like
The block store- The learning shop
The puzzle game- any iPod or mobile device