Fun with facebook. and alliteration.

So I've been on Facebook for like five minutes now and clearly it is time that I bother you with my opinions on it. I have a love/hate relationship with FB and I just can't seem to make a commitment to stay or to leave. The problem seems to be that in real life, people are complex and awesome, but then they log in to facebook and suddenly become one-dimensional. There are certain facebook personalities that people take on without even noticing and it can be really hard to deal with if you don't ever get to see their complex little selves in "real life". Here are the top ten I've noticed... and ultimately un-friended in most cases... (because let's face it, if you aren't still [real world] friends with that one kid you played with in preschool, there is probably a good reason).

1) Addicted Amy-I am often worried for this user, because facebook has somehow become their means of relating to the world. If they haven't updated their status 10 times by 9 am, you wonder if you should be contacting local law enforcement because they are probably missing or dead. Usually three things are true about this poster: 1) You'll likely have seen more pictures of random things they see throughout their day than you have of your own family. 2) They should probably start listing things that they "dislike" because their profile would be shorter. 3) If facebook ever dies off, therapy will be necessary.

2) Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens Kristy!!!- This poster loves his/her life, because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! These daily posts will alternately make you homicidal or suicidal as a reader. Most posts will be something along the lines of "A and B happened today, and I am SOOOO [insert adverb and positive feeling]!!! I guess I imagine Kristy writing these posts from a corner of her house, while smiling a huge shaky smile with tears running down her face. I am also convinced she is a cutter.

3) I'm HERE, Hannah- Hannah is Waldo and Carmen Sandiago all in one! She assumes that somehow you have lost her. Her only posts come in the form of that weird facebook feature that lets you know where she is and exactly who she is with (complete with links to their profile pages, just in case you want to super-judge them before you see them). If you pay attention, Hannah will account for her entire day--which really takes the fun out for stalkers I bet. You wonder if she has ever been robbed I mean, is there an easier target???

4) I have the best boyfriend/fiance/husband Betty- Betty is in love!!! Her only updates will be accounts of the latest thing that her perfect significant other did. Betty will make you worry that your relationship is falling apart, after all, your SO is not buying you a dozen roses every week or surprising you with wonderful weekends away! This poster will more often than not have comments on her status by none other than perfect SO, usually to the tune of, "You are SOOO welcome babe!! XOXOXOX" This always makes me feel like a creepy voyeur. I've come to the conclusion that anyone this in love publicly, must be miserable privately.

5) Cryptic Cindy- Cindy updates her status once or twice a day, and you never know anything more about Cindy after you've read them then you did before. Her updates are disturbingly vague. She will inundate your news feed with statements like, "I've been crying all morning...:(" (do note the frowny face icon - Cindy lives for emoticons) or, "So happy about the awesome news I just got!!!" and my personal favorite, "Why me?" These updates are annoying. Part of you wants to give them the attention that they are after and ask, "What is it???" But most of you just moves on to the next post.

6)Bad news Barb- Bad news Barb is the type of person who tells you an anecdote before she says hello when she sees you. I'm convinced that she checks Yahoo news four hundred times a day for the sole purpose of being the first to deliver news about the latest devastating earthquake, shocking hostage situation, or sickening celebrity break up gossip (isn't it just terrible about those poor children!?!). Often, Barb will use someone else's tragedy to remind her of how lucky she is and publicly counts her blessings, which is more distasteful than she realizes.

7)Political Polly- Polly watches CNN (or massive amounts of Fox News, take your pick) and she wants you to know it! She is passionate about the "issues" and needs you to be too. Obviously facebook is the best venue for politics, I mean, where else should you go to let everyone from your boss to your great grandma know exactly what is best for the world/country/state/city/block/neighbors house and why you know it? Here is how I handle Political Polly on facebook: If I agree with her, I don't comment. If I don't agree with her? I don't comment. We learn in "real life" not to discuss politics and religion in mixed company, so why should facebook be so different? (FYI- I don't suggest telling Polly the above advice, after all it is a free country).

8)Religious Reba- It's hard to dislike Reba. I don't mind her, I have no problem with anyone's GOD or anyone talking about him/her, but this facebook personality is worth mentioning. Everyone has that one facebook friend that has scripture for every situation and hardly goes five minutes without praising GOD for everything from getting her to work safely to helping her find the peanut butter in the grocery store. Then again... I do sometimes wonder if she has heard that rule about politics and religion.

9) Workout Wanda- This facebook personality is tricky because there are two subtypes. You have Marathon Miranda, and Chronic dieter Debbie. Somehow, both subtypes manage to spit out the same updates with this template: Today was [either good or bad]! I managed to eat [a,b, and c], and I [input exercise and amount]! The only difference is that Marathon Miranda will be talking about how she stuck to her diet of raw almonds and organic steamed spinach while running 8 miles, and Chronic dieter Debbie will be posting about how she stuck to her diet of seven glasses of water (2 pkgs of crystal light each) and 3 cans of soup. She even took the stairs instead of the elevator at work and parked further away then usual! We all know dieter Debbie. She is that woman in your office that proudly passes on the birthday cake opting instead for 17 of those pre- packaged 100 calorie servings of Oreos.

10)I friend everyone I meet Maggie- The only status updates from Maggie are those, Maggie is now friends with Jane Doe and John Smith ones. Maggie has well over seven hundred "friends" but hardly updates her status. I have deduced a couple of reasons why this is. Either she is trying to keep up with a jumbled mess of seven hundred other peoples' status updates, or she is too busy meeting people on buses and whipping out her iPhone to send them friend requests. I imagine it is probably worth it for her when she logs in on her birthday to see several hundred Happy Birthday Maggie!'s and feels super popular.

Library schmibrary, the hospital is where it's at

So I've been spending a lot of time in hospitals lately. Not as a patient, but as a visitor. Between people having babies and surgeries, I've logged quite a few hours in waiting rooms. And I've been thinking...

What the heck homeless people????

Why spend your time in a dusty library when you could be wandering around hospitals? I mean, sure books are great and everything, but you know what is better? A huge place with lots of roaming space that is basically just available 24 hours a day!

I have given this a lot of thought, and I really can't see a downside (Well besides MRSA I guess, but who says your chances are any smaller at the public library?). It is so easy to be inconspicuous in a hospital. You can basically just wander from waiting room to waiting room watching daytime television and sipping free coffee. FREE! Not to mention there is a better chance of slipping into a random shower without being detected.

Here's the bonus. I'm going to let you in on the hospital's best kept secret- the ICU waiting room. Don't scoff, It's mostly always empty- it turns out people with loved ones in the ICU tend to like to hang out with said loved ones, and if they are in emergency surgery, you get sent to the surgical waiting room (which is subpar as far as waiting rooms go-- I know these things). Anyway, the ICU room? Has tables and games. It has coffee, tea, snacks and a refrigerator. For crying out loud, it has pillows and blankets!

If you're worried about getting caught, don't. I have been lost down many a pointless, endless hallway, hoping to run into someone that can help, but mostly everyone just ignores you, especially the volunteers - who are mostly just high school kids trying to pad their college applications and tend to sigh heavily when you ask for help. And god forbid you annoy them in the midst of an angsty leaning session (or a less angsty but obviously super-important text message).

Anyway, do what you will homeless and weary, but I know where I'll be next time I need a break from being yelled at for getting the wrong kind of popsicles, or not ironing the shirts on time--The front lobby, with a magazine and a coffee--right next to that piano that PLAYS ITSELF.

Conversations with Kelan

It's been a rough week, what with being forced to confront my guilt* of loving my decision to quit the stay at home thing, and with Kelan confronting me about...everything.

Today I woke up and was just emotionally exhausted, but this little conversation with Kelan made my day:

Kelan: (comes and sits on my lap) Since there's no daycare today, can I watch "The Incredible Hulk"?

Me: What? Aren't you a little young for that show? When have you watched that?

Kelan: I'm not too young!! Daddy watched it yesterday at night with me.

Me: Why do you like the incredible hulk?**

Kelan: Because Betty loves him sooo much!


*my go-to emotion.

** I've been rather paraniod about superheros and muscled men in the media ever since I watched that documentary "Bigger, Stronger, Faster" and learned more about body image issues with men and rampant steroid use etc... Seriously, finding things to worry about is so freaking easy.

In which Kelan shows his love for all things taxidermic

I'm a fan of the outdoors. Give me a lake and a fire pit and I'm cool. When I was Kelan's age, vacations were road trips. Every summer my parents would pack us into a bright yellow station wagon and drive us to Montana and Wyoming for a camping trip that was anywhere from 2-6 weeks long. We'd sleep in tents, hike, and swim. My brother and sister and I would "explore" for hours and hours. It was kind of wild. When my parents were sick of us they would tell us to go play, or try to sell us on an adventure. My dad would send us off on elaborate scavenger hunts. I will never forget the hours and hours we wasted trying to find a venus fly trap in the mountains.

Now that I am a parent of a preschooler and have some insight into vacationing with kids, I have come to the conclusion that my parents must have been out of their damn minds to take three small kids on a road trip across the country. I can survive an hour and a half in the car with Kelan before I start praying for temporary deafness.

This past weekend Sean, Kelan, and I took a weekend long trip to an indoor waterpark with my sister and her family. We got back yesterday and as with every vacation since Kelan was born, I am now in need of some sort of sensory deprivation experience. Not that I blame Kelan, he's just a three year old like any other. Instead I blame my parents, for making me think that vacations were meant to be outside, in quiet, not-crowded places, where strangers are fully clothed. Mostly.

Now, I tend to get overstimulated fairly easily. I have a hard time being in new places with a lot of people while also having to perform challenging mental tasks, such as forming sentences or thoughts, and forget about making a decision. I tend to just shut down. If you ever want a funny* example, just ask Sean about our famous nursing bra shopping expedition, or how awesome it is to stand in line next to me at Subway.

Stick with me, I have a point here somewhere.... oh yeah! Enter Wilderness Waterpark Resort. When my sister invited us two or three months ago to come with, I was excited. I knew Kelan would love it! However, in my head it looked something like this:




Except you know... inside.

In real life, it was this:


Times three, because there were three different parks and an Indoor playground attached to an arcade. And to be fair, this picture can not depict the volume of a hundred kids yelling over rushing water.**

Add to all of this: my raging insecurities, a bikini (because I'm a masochist), and a million ways for a kid to drown...and you have me in a constant state of fight or flight. Friday night I made Sean brave the crowds alone because I had "some unpacking to do." Saturday morning, I got courageous, donned my suit and trudged the mile and a half of hotel hallway (I'm not exaggerating, that place is freaking huge) and that's when I walked in and saw this:

for the first time. 30 minutes later, after the Valium (that I promptly ran back up to the room for) kicked in, I was only mildly paralyzed and had some fun with Kelan in the wave pool. And, spoiler alert--nobody drowned.

Hyperbole aside, It was nice to get away from home, and Kelan really did enjoy himself. I hope we haven't set his vacation expectations too high though, because we will go camping sometime soon, and I don't know how to sell sleeping in a tent after the indoor "wilderness" experience.

My favorite pictures of the weekend in which Kelan got up and started dancing next to a stuffed bear in one of the three hundred lobbies:

(and no, we don't tell him to pose, he embarrasses me in public without any guidance, and Sean likes to memorialize anything that embarrasses me)

My favorite moment of the weekend: Kelan having a temper tantrum in the middle of the hotel hallway while wearing nothing but a pull-up (on backwards). He was screaming- "NO DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WATER!!!" Good times.


*Not at all funny


** This picture was taken on Sunday morning-- Mother's day, so it was the least crowded it got.

Preview of my book- Part one, and by the way, is crackhead one word or two?

So I was chatting with another mom at daycare the other day and the topic of house sales came up.

"Did I hear you say you were selling your house?" she asked.

To which I giggled.

"Yeah, for awhile now." I replied

"So are you willing to offer up any tips? My husband and I are looking to downsize." she responded.

I don't remember exactly what I said back, but I do remember laughing out loud, I think I said something along the lines of, "Um, my house has been on the market for three years with no offer in sight... so trust me, you don't want any advice I have to give."

Cut to later that day.

I'm getting ready for a last minute showing by cramming a dirty pan (that had been "soaking") in the oven to hide. Suddenly it dawned on me. I have a ton of advice for this woman! I'm practically an expert on living in a house that's for sale! I should write a book! And use the sales to pay off this house! And move! It wouldn't exactly solve the problem of selling this house, but at least I'd have a place to go when the boys are driving me insane.

So I'm thinking of publishing. The title would be, "What to Expect when you are Expecting to Sell Your Overpriced, 100 Year old House in a Crappy Market". Okay, the title is still in revision.

The book will be short. Probably only two chapters long really. Here is a sneak peek:

Chapter one

Silly you! Don't expect to sell. In fact, drop all of your expectations, problem solved.

Chapter two

If you are still reading, here is a list of tips from a master (me of course)

Picking a Realtor

If you made the mistake of picking a realtor based on something silly like reputation, or even sillier like research, or number of houses they have sold in the past, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.

What you want to do, is pick a realtor based on their "signage" - which is a fancy realtor word for crap that sits in your yard. You'll want to make sure that it's attractive. Perhaps even request that they photoshop the picture of them, or ask them to plant some sort of climbing plant at the base. Trust me, this is the most important aspect of picking a realtor, because at the end of the day, that shit's going to sit in your lawn for the next couple years...you might as well not have it be an eyesore.

Navigating annoying questions

Oh, were you not expecting your neighbors, friends, family, and strangers walking by to ask how the sale is going? Daily? It'll mostly be neighbors, and it will seem condescending, because they will laugh when they ask, "How's the sale going, any buyers yet?" or "Why would you want to get rid of such a quaint little house?" Okay this last one might not apply to you. But do be aware that the question they are really asking is, "Why are you selling, did you lose your job? Is it going into foreclosure any day now?"

Also, do expect the entire neighborhood to panic when they see you moving anything larger than a grocery bag in or out of your house. They will all make excuses to casually stroll by your house while you are doing so...like walking their cat, or returning that screwdriver that they swear they borrowed. "Are you moving? Did you sell?" they will ask. You know that they are capable of seeing that there is not "sold" sign, so deduce that the question they are really asking is, "Are you abandoning your property??? WILL THERE BE SQUATTERS??"

Relax. These questions will only be annoying for the first couple of years. Then you will be indifferent. You will want to tactfully maneuver these questions and calmly reassure everyone that everything will be okay. After all, it is your job as a good citizen to make sure the elderly in your neighborhood don't all die of heart attacks.

Or is it? Perhaps you take a different tactic? Call them out right away! Answer their questions in a way that will make them run away and never ask again! Say Mr. Jones panics and strolls by when you are moving something into your car to donate to Goodwill. When he asks you if you sold the house, just calmly and seriously say, "No, no we didn't unfortunately. We are getting desperate. I think our only option is to move out in the middle of the night and leave the key in the door. I'm just so sad that this is happening. I hate to think of all the crackheads that will settle in, but you know, this is happening all over town, there is simply nothing we can do." And then walk away. Feel accomplished.


Stay tuned for part two......

Or perhaps not

And I'm back. Because I have a lot to say. And you jerks never called. But mostly because I just found out that you can print a blog. So maybe when I die my kid(s)(?) can find out how much I complained about them when they were young. OK I'm stopping now.

No seriously though, please keep reading!