I don't know Martha Stewart personally, but I'd really like to meet her... so I could kick her ass, although, she'd probably be able kill me*. And then bury my body in some sort of decorative way.
Martha Stewart is not responsible for my insecurites, but I do, for whatever reason, correlate the start of this whole make-everything-look-beautiful-and-perfect-so-that-my-psychological-issues-don't-show phase. But I've really only been around since the mid eighties, so what do I know. I'm sure she wasn't the first to advocate meticulously planned dinner parties and shoving all your skeletons in a box decorated with flowers that you grew and dried yourself.
Wow. I have gotten off track here.
Kelan is turning 4!
Raising this kid gets more fun and more complicated by the day. I like to use Kelan's birthdays as a way to pat myself on the back for having kept him alive one more year**. I know you'd like to think I'm kidding, but this shit is hard! I'm amazed that any child makes it a day past their first steps. And we're talking about a child who eats crackers that he finds under peoples' couches here. Yesterday, I found him in the kitchen trying to open a bag of crackers. With a steak knife.
Naturally we want to celebrate his birthday, but since when has a homemade cake and a few relatives been a sign that you are a crap mom who doesn't know how to decorate your cupcakes with fondant whatever-the-hell-you-think-your-4-year-old-loves? I have actually given this a lot of thought this year. Sean and I just couldn't decide what to do. Our house is small and a hundred years old and does not lend itself to gatherings any larger than about four people. Which is fine, because I hate hosting- it involves way too much pressure. And more forks and spoons than I own.
Just now, I was paging through a community publication and I came across an article about planning a special party for your child. It suggests a theme, four dishes that require intensive labor in order to be "on-theme", and suggests that you make your own birthday hats for everyone- the directions of which are mind boggling, and involve several trips to a craft store no doubt. Not to mention, I'm not even sure what "fringe" is, or where it goes. Here's the best part. The article tells you to, I kid you not, construct a photo booth complete with homemade costumes for the kids to wear.***
Now, these aren't bad ideas or anything. To each his own, and if that's the kind of thing you really enjoy doing, go for it! I'm just the type of person who feels insecure at these types of parties. I feel uncomfortable eating finger food that so closely resembles the animal it was made to look like. I usually leave wondering if I don't love my child enough. I didn't plan his party six months in advance! I forgot to have an enlarged photo of him framed for the event! I suck!
In the end, Kelan's party will be at a local pizza place. We will invite some close friends and relatives, and we will probably buy a cake from the store the morning of. There won't be homemade birthday hats, and there won't be any foods shaped like numbers or animals, but I'm not sure Kelan will care. I hate to say it, but I'm pretty sure all he cares about is the cake, and the fact that he finally gets to be the one opening the presents. I think I'm OK with that. We'll save the "special table with pictures of your child and his many accomplishments!" for when he wins the nobel peace prize.
* She's been to prison. She can probably make some hardcore decoupaged shivs.
** After all, it is about ME.
*** No doubt so that every mom can stand around with their digital camera and take a hundred pics for facebook and twitter.
P.S. I don't really hate you Martha! Please don't kill me!
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