It's mother's day and I have had far too much caffeine, so bear with me, because this may or may not make any sense.
I remember my expectations of having kids before I actually had one. 2012 emily smiles and nods at sweet, ridiculous, idealistic, pre-child emily. The only way I can really sum up the thoughts about motherhood that are rolling around in my head right now, is with a list; Here goes:
THINGS I THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN OVERNIGHT UPON GIVING BIRTH (BUT THAT DIDN'T BECAUSE HAVING EXPECTATIONS IS THE WORST MISTAKE ANYONE CAN MAKE WHILE RAISING HUMANS):
1) That I'd know how to keep my own baby alive (Also included, that my baby would know that he was supposed to help me out a little in this department). You think I'm joking but I'm not. Many people asked me when I was going to take all those Lamaze classes and the breastfeeding tutorials. People gave me books that just sat around, because I was smug. I just kind of wandered around in a haze, ignoring everyone. People have been doing this shit for thousands of years, and I'm not an idiot, so why do I need to "study"? Then I had my baby a month early. No notice, no suitcase, no idea. The four NICU nurses waiting to see if my baby would come out blue with no idea how to breathe on his own? Yeah, not exactly what I had envisioned.
2) That I would fall in love. That I would cry and feel euphoric. That I would be so overcome with love for my baby that I would immediately want to jump in front of cars and buses and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love my child and rainbows and kittens and butterflies and all of that, but I'm only a little ashamed to say that my first thought after delivering my son? (well after finding out that he wasn't against breathing oxygen and all), That was gross. Someone get me into the shower so that I can stay there for a couple days. Also, I would appreciate everyone keeping their hands to themselves now. I'm still waiting for that euphoria by the way.
3) That everyone would shut the hell up about my breasts. Ha! I've blogged about this ad nauseum, so I'm not really going to get into it, but I honestly thought once the baby came he would provide a distraction for people from the never ending breast is best discussions. And I wasn't against breast feeding, I just thought that it would not be all that complicated...or that public, is all. Turns out, people care. Nurses care. Lactation consultants care. Strangers who see you in the formula aisle at the store care. My baby? not so much. Scold me if you will, La Leche League, but there is NOTHING natural about my breastfeeding experience, which included pumps, unsolicited advice, batteries, creams, rules, time sheets, and more people than I have breasts. Like quadruple the amount of people. The only one who didn't give a crap was Kelan. And truthfully, I still thank him for that.
4) That my vocabulary would just up and change all by itself. My generation swears a lot. I don't like it, but I accept it. I don't swear a lot, but I do drop an f bomb way more easily than I should. No worries, because people with kids don't swear! I assumed that this was because something magically happens in your brain when you give birth. Um, it doesn't. Just ask my son's babysitters about that damn it phase he went through. I'm not perfect you guys. It turns out you actually have to TRY to not act like a sailor around children.
5) That I would suddenly love dealing with bodily fluids. No. Just...no. I still hate talking about feces, dealing with vomit and blood and mucus and I'm dry heaving just typing this. Eww you guys, kids are constantly leaking stuff. It doesn't magically become awesome.
6)That sleep would be insignificant compared to the amazing life I created. Screw that noise, I'm still tired.
7) Basically, that I would know what the hell I was doing. I suppose I could have just had this be number one and stop there, and I'm kind of sorry that I didn't because you probably think I am a child- hating freak. On mother's day. Great.
Guess what? I'm going to reference a movie! The Weather Man. Seriously an underrated movie. It makes me cry every time I see it. I hope you aren't thinking of that one Will Ferrel movie, because I'm talking about that Nicolas Cage one. There is a line in that movie that gets me every time. Nicolas Cage's character is talking to his dad and the dad says, "You always worry about your kids... no matter how old, there's always looking after." That? Has taken me four years so far to come to terms with. The concept, not the scene in the movie.
Because motherhood is for life. I kept thinking that there was going to be a magic day that everything just gets easier. Because some moms make it look like a breeze. I have found an unreasonable amount of contentedness in the fact that I'm probably never going to feel good at it. It's not ever going to get easy. On the other hand though, it's never going to be less exciting. It's never going to be less of a gift.
And after all that?
I think I want to do it again. Perhaps if you are a mom you will understand.
Happy Mother's Day, everyone!
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