It's been a rough week, what with being forced to confront my guilt* of loving my decision to quit the stay at home thing, and with Kelan confronting me about...everything.
Today I woke up and was just emotionally exhausted, but this little conversation with Kelan made my day:
Kelan: (comes and sits on my lap) Since there's no daycare today, can I watch "The Incredible Hulk"?
Me: What? Aren't you a little young for that show? When have you watched that?
Kelan: I'm not too young!! Daddy watched it yesterday at night with me.
Me: Why do you like the incredible hulk?**
Kelan: Because Betty loves him sooo much!
*my go-to emotion.
** I've been rather paraniod about superheros and muscled men in the media ever since I watched that documentary "Bigger, Stronger, Faster" and learned more about body image issues with men and rampant steroid use etc... Seriously, finding things to worry about is so freaking easy.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
In which Kelan shows his love for all things taxidermic
I'm a fan of the outdoors. Give me a lake and a fire pit and I'm cool. When I was Kelan's age, vacations were road trips. Every summer my parents would pack us into a bright yellow station wagon and drive us to Montana and Wyoming for a camping trip that was anywhere from 2-6 weeks long. We'd sleep in tents, hike, and swim. My brother and sister and I would "explore" for hours and hours. It was kind of wild. When my parents were sick of us they would tell us to go play, or try to sell us on an adventure. My dad would send us off on elaborate scavenger hunts. I will never forget the hours and hours we wasted trying to find a venus fly trap in the mountains.
Now that I am a parent of a preschooler and have some insight into vacationing with kids, I have come to the conclusion that my parents must have been out of their damn minds to take three small kids on a road trip across the country. I can survive an hour and a half in the car with Kelan before I start praying for temporary deafness.
This past weekend Sean, Kelan, and I took a weekend long trip to an indoor waterpark with my sister and her family. We got back yesterday and as with every vacation since Kelan was born, I am now in need of some sort of sensory deprivation experience. Not that I blame Kelan, he's just a three year old like any other. Instead I blame my parents, for making me think that vacations were meant to be outside, in quiet, not-crowded places, where strangers are fully clothed. Mostly.
Now, I tend to get overstimulated fairly easily. I have a hard time being in new places with a lot of people while also having to perform challenging mental tasks, such as forming sentences or thoughts, and forget about making a decision. I tend to just shut down. If you ever want a funny* example, just ask Sean about our famous nursing bra shopping expedition, or how awesome it is to stand in line next to me at Subway.
Stick with me, I have a point here somewhere.... oh yeah! Enter Wilderness Waterpark Resort. When my sister invited us two or three months ago to come with, I was excited. I knew Kelan would love it! However, in my head it looked something like this:
Except you know... inside.
In real life, it was this:
Times three, because there were three different parks and an Indoor playground attached to an arcade. And to be fair, this picture can not depict the volume of a hundred kids yelling over rushing water.**
Add to all of this: my raging insecurities, a bikini (because I'm a masochist), and a million ways for a kid to drown...and you have me in a constant state of fight or flight. Friday night I made Sean brave the crowds alone because I had "some unpacking to do." Saturday morning, I got courageous, donned my suit and trudged the mile and a half of hotel hallway (I'm not exaggerating, that place is freaking huge) and that's when I walked in and saw this:
for the first time. 30 minutes later, after the Valium (that I promptly ran back up to the room for) kicked in, I was only mildly paralyzed and had some fun with Kelan in the wave pool. And, spoiler alert--nobody drowned.
Hyperbole aside, It was nice to get away from home, and Kelan really did enjoy himself. I hope we haven't set his vacation expectations too high though, because we will go camping sometime soon, and I don't know how to sell sleeping in a tent after the indoor "wilderness" experience.
My favorite pictures of the weekend in which Kelan got up and started dancing next to a stuffed bear in one of the three hundred lobbies:
(and no, we don't tell him to pose, he embarrasses me in public without any guidance, and Sean likes to memorialize anything that embarrasses me)
My favorite moment of the weekend: Kelan having a temper tantrum in the middle of the hotel hallway while wearing nothing but a pull-up (on backwards). He was screaming- "NO DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WATER!!!" Good times.
*Not at all funny
** This picture was taken on Sunday morning-- Mother's day, so it was the least crowded it got.
Now that I am a parent of a preschooler and have some insight into vacationing with kids, I have come to the conclusion that my parents must have been out of their damn minds to take three small kids on a road trip across the country. I can survive an hour and a half in the car with Kelan before I start praying for temporary deafness.
This past weekend Sean, Kelan, and I took a weekend long trip to an indoor waterpark with my sister and her family. We got back yesterday and as with every vacation since Kelan was born, I am now in need of some sort of sensory deprivation experience. Not that I blame Kelan, he's just a three year old like any other. Instead I blame my parents, for making me think that vacations were meant to be outside, in quiet, not-crowded places, where strangers are fully clothed. Mostly.
Now, I tend to get overstimulated fairly easily. I have a hard time being in new places with a lot of people while also having to perform challenging mental tasks, such as forming sentences or thoughts, and forget about making a decision. I tend to just shut down. If you ever want a funny* example, just ask Sean about our famous nursing bra shopping expedition, or how awesome it is to stand in line next to me at Subway.
Stick with me, I have a point here somewhere.... oh yeah! Enter Wilderness Waterpark Resort. When my sister invited us two or three months ago to come with, I was excited. I knew Kelan would love it! However, in my head it looked something like this:
Except you know... inside.
In real life, it was this:
Times three, because there were three different parks and an Indoor playground attached to an arcade. And to be fair, this picture can not depict the volume of a hundred kids yelling over rushing water.**
Add to all of this: my raging insecurities, a bikini (because I'm a masochist), and a million ways for a kid to drown...and you have me in a constant state of fight or flight. Friday night I made Sean brave the crowds alone because I had "some unpacking to do." Saturday morning, I got courageous, donned my suit and trudged the mile and a half of hotel hallway (I'm not exaggerating, that place is freaking huge) and that's when I walked in and saw this:
for the first time. 30 minutes later, after the Valium (that I promptly ran back up to the room for) kicked in, I was only mildly paralyzed and had some fun with Kelan in the wave pool. And, spoiler alert--nobody drowned.Hyperbole aside, It was nice to get away from home, and Kelan really did enjoy himself. I hope we haven't set his vacation expectations too high though, because we will go camping sometime soon, and I don't know how to sell sleeping in a tent after the indoor "wilderness" experience.
My favorite pictures of the weekend in which Kelan got up and started dancing next to a stuffed bear in one of the three hundred lobbies:
(and no, we don't tell him to pose, he embarrasses me in public without any guidance, and Sean likes to memorialize anything that embarrasses me)
My favorite moment of the weekend: Kelan having a temper tantrum in the middle of the hotel hallway while wearing nothing but a pull-up (on backwards). He was screaming- "NO DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WATER!!!" Good times.
*Not at all funny
** This picture was taken on Sunday morning-- Mother's day, so it was the least crowded it got.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Preview of my book- Part one, and by the way, is crackhead one word or two?
So I was chatting with another mom at daycare the other day and the topic of house sales came up.
"Did I hear you say you were selling your house?" she asked.
To which I giggled.
"Yeah, for awhile now." I replied
"So are you willing to offer up any tips? My husband and I are looking to downsize." she responded.
I don't remember exactly what I said back, but I do remember laughing out loud, I think I said something along the lines of, "Um, my house has been on the market for three years with no offer in sight... so trust me, you don't want any advice I have to give."
Cut to later that day.
I'm getting ready for a last minute showing by cramming a dirty pan (that had been "soaking") in the oven to hide. Suddenly it dawned on me. I have a ton of advice for this woman! I'm practically an expert on living in a house that's for sale! I should write a book! And use the sales to pay off this house! And move! It wouldn't exactly solve the problem of selling this house, but at least I'd have a place to go when the boys are driving me insane.
So I'm thinking of publishing. The title would be, "What to Expect when you are Expecting to Sell Your Overpriced, 100 Year old House in a Crappy Market". Okay, the title is still in revision.
The book will be short. Probably only two chapters long really. Here is a sneak peek:
Silly you! Don't expect to sell. In fact, drop all of your expectations, problem solved.
"Did I hear you say you were selling your house?" she asked.
To which I giggled.
"Yeah, for awhile now." I replied
"So are you willing to offer up any tips? My husband and I are looking to downsize." she responded.
I don't remember exactly what I said back, but I do remember laughing out loud, I think I said something along the lines of, "Um, my house has been on the market for three years with no offer in sight... so trust me, you don't want any advice I have to give."
Cut to later that day.
I'm getting ready for a last minute showing by cramming a dirty pan (that had been "soaking") in the oven to hide. Suddenly it dawned on me. I have a ton of advice for this woman! I'm practically an expert on living in a house that's for sale! I should write a book! And use the sales to pay off this house! And move! It wouldn't exactly solve the problem of selling this house, but at least I'd have a place to go when the boys are driving me insane.
So I'm thinking of publishing. The title would be, "What to Expect when you are Expecting to Sell Your Overpriced, 100 Year old House in a Crappy Market". Okay, the title is still in revision.
The book will be short. Probably only two chapters long really. Here is a sneak peek:
Chapter one
Chapter two
If you are still reading, here is a list of tips from a master (me of course)
Picking a Realtor
If you made the mistake of picking a realtor based on something silly like reputation, or even sillier like research, or number of houses they have sold in the past, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
What you want to do, is pick a realtor based on their "signage" - which is a fancy realtor word for crap that sits in your yard. You'll want to make sure that it's attractive. Perhaps even request that they photoshop the picture of them, or ask them to plant some sort of climbing plant at the base. Trust me, this is the most important aspect of picking a realtor, because at the end of the day, that shit's going to sit in your lawn for the next couple years...you might as well not have it be an eyesore.
Navigating annoying questions
Oh, were you not expecting your neighbors, friends, family, and strangers walking by to ask how the sale is going? Daily? It'll mostly be neighbors, and it will seem condescending, because they will laugh when they ask, "How's the sale going, any buyers yet?" or "Why would you want to get rid of such a quaint little house?" Okay this last one might not apply to you. But do be aware that the question they are really asking is, "Why are you selling, did you lose your job? Is it going into foreclosure any day now?"
Also, do expect the entire neighborhood to panic when they see you moving anything larger than a grocery bag in or out of your house. They will all make excuses to casually stroll by your house while you are doing so...like walking their cat, or returning that screwdriver that they swear they borrowed. "Are you moving? Did you sell?" they will ask. You know that they are capable of seeing that there is not "sold" sign, so deduce that the question they are really asking is, "Are you abandoning your property??? WILL THERE BE SQUATTERS??"
Relax. These questions will only be annoying for the first couple of years. Then you will be indifferent. You will want to tactfully maneuver these questions and calmly reassure everyone that everything will be okay. After all, it is your job as a good citizen to make sure the elderly in your neighborhood don't all die of heart attacks.
Or is it? Perhaps you take a different tactic? Call them out right away! Answer their questions in a way that will make them run away and never ask again! Say Mr. Jones panics and strolls by when you are moving something into your car to donate to Goodwill. When he asks you if you sold the house, just calmly and seriously say, "No, no we didn't unfortunately. We are getting desperate. I think our only option is to move out in the middle of the night and leave the key in the door. I'm just so sad that this is happening. I hate to think of all the crackheads that will settle in, but you know, this is happening all over town, there is simply nothing we can do." And then walk away. Feel accomplished.
Stay tuned for part two......
Picking a Realtor
If you made the mistake of picking a realtor based on something silly like reputation, or even sillier like research, or number of houses they have sold in the past, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
What you want to do, is pick a realtor based on their "signage" - which is a fancy realtor word for crap that sits in your yard. You'll want to make sure that it's attractive. Perhaps even request that they photoshop the picture of them, or ask them to plant some sort of climbing plant at the base. Trust me, this is the most important aspect of picking a realtor, because at the end of the day, that shit's going to sit in your lawn for the next couple years...you might as well not have it be an eyesore.
Navigating annoying questions
Oh, were you not expecting your neighbors, friends, family, and strangers walking by to ask how the sale is going? Daily? It'll mostly be neighbors, and it will seem condescending, because they will laugh when they ask, "How's the sale going, any buyers yet?" or "Why would you want to get rid of such a quaint little house?" Okay this last one might not apply to you. But do be aware that the question they are really asking is, "Why are you selling, did you lose your job? Is it going into foreclosure any day now?"
Also, do expect the entire neighborhood to panic when they see you moving anything larger than a grocery bag in or out of your house. They will all make excuses to casually stroll by your house while you are doing so...like walking their cat, or returning that screwdriver that they swear they borrowed. "Are you moving? Did you sell?" they will ask. You know that they are capable of seeing that there is not "sold" sign, so deduce that the question they are really asking is, "Are you abandoning your property??? WILL THERE BE SQUATTERS??"
Relax. These questions will only be annoying for the first couple of years. Then you will be indifferent. You will want to tactfully maneuver these questions and calmly reassure everyone that everything will be okay. After all, it is your job as a good citizen to make sure the elderly in your neighborhood don't all die of heart attacks.
Or is it? Perhaps you take a different tactic? Call them out right away! Answer their questions in a way that will make them run away and never ask again! Say Mr. Jones panics and strolls by when you are moving something into your car to donate to Goodwill. When he asks you if you sold the house, just calmly and seriously say, "No, no we didn't unfortunately. We are getting desperate. I think our only option is to move out in the middle of the night and leave the key in the door. I'm just so sad that this is happening. I hate to think of all the crackheads that will settle in, but you know, this is happening all over town, there is simply nothing we can do." And then walk away. Feel accomplished.
Stay tuned for part two......
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Or perhaps not
And I'm back. Because I have a lot to say. And you jerks never called. But mostly because I just found out that you can print a blog. So maybe when I die my kid(s)(?) can find out how much I complained about them when they were young. OK I'm stopping now.
No seriously though, please keep reading!
No seriously though, please keep reading!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
This week so far in bullets- The fun, the strange, and the just plain sad.
The fun!
House is on the market! - I've been working my butt off to meet this goal since I got home. After several weeks of endless laundry, organizing, and more binge cleaning than I can ever file under "emotionally healthy", it's finally looking great. I am excited, but strangely empty. Now what will I do with myself?
The nice weather is back! And you doubted me. Perfect for rolling around in the leaves and photo shoots with pumpkins...cliche pics coming soon.
The strange
I started having that recurring dream about fish out of water again, I'll give a dollar to anyone who can let me know how to remedy this- it's driving me nuts. So far I've tried insomnia, but let's face it, that can really only work for so long until I start putting the phone in the freezer and forgetting the day of the week.
Um, so I'm not sure who has been teaching Kelan this one- and not that I'm judging any one's ability to spend quality time with him when I'm not around, but two nights ago Kelan and I were in the basement having a little dance party and he totally started dancing with the pole/support beam? So just a quick note to all of my trusted child care "village" -I'm watching you. And I gave his picture to all of the gentleman's clubs in our area so he will no longer be welcome thankyouverymuch.
The just plain sad
Sean and I got in an argument earlier this week which prompted him to hop in my car on an angry run to the gas station for a Diet Pepsi. A while later I got a sheepish call that he "accidentally" backed my car into a pole (what is it with these boys and poles?) I don't think it takes Freud to unravel this one. Obviously it had something to do with his childhood. Or the phallic stage. Or both. But probably the fact that we had just gotten into a fight and he is passive aggressive like that. Just kidding. I forgive you Sean.
Kelan is getting over a cold. He has been awesomely irritable! Last night Sean and I finally had enough and took him to a Fastcare assuming it was an ear infection or something. No such luck. I guess he is just a two year old.
House is on the market! - I've been working my butt off to meet this goal since I got home. After several weeks of endless laundry, organizing, and more binge cleaning than I can ever file under "emotionally healthy", it's finally looking great. I am excited, but strangely empty. Now what will I do with myself?
The nice weather is back! And you doubted me. Perfect for rolling around in the leaves and photo shoots with pumpkins...cliche pics coming soon.
The strange
I started having that recurring dream about fish out of water again, I'll give a dollar to anyone who can let me know how to remedy this- it's driving me nuts. So far I've tried insomnia, but let's face it, that can really only work for so long until I start putting the phone in the freezer and forgetting the day of the week.
Um, so I'm not sure who has been teaching Kelan this one- and not that I'm judging any one's ability to spend quality time with him when I'm not around, but two nights ago Kelan and I were in the basement having a little dance party and he totally started dancing with the pole/support beam? So just a quick note to all of my trusted child care "village" -I'm watching you. And I gave his picture to all of the gentleman's clubs in our area so he will no longer be welcome thankyouverymuch.
The just plain sad
Sean and I got in an argument earlier this week which prompted him to hop in my car on an angry run to the gas station for a Diet Pepsi. A while later I got a sheepish call that he "accidentally" backed my car into a pole (what is it with these boys and poles?) I don't think it takes Freud to unravel this one. Obviously it had something to do with his childhood. Or the phallic stage. Or both. But probably the fact that we had just gotten into a fight and he is passive aggressive like that. Just kidding. I forgive you Sean.
Kelan is getting over a cold. He has been awesomely irritable! Last night Sean and I finally had enough and took him to a Fastcare assuming it was an ear infection or something. No such luck. I guess he is just a two year old.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
This is why I should really blog less often
So, fun fact- I am strangely fascinated by Aaron Neville's voice. I have been since childhood. Every time I hear a song by him on the radio or in a store I get really excited. I have even mastered an impression that you are welcome to hear (after one too many drinks, that is).
I dare you-DARE you to listen to one of his songs and not be mystified...
Hmmm, just me then?
I've never actually purchased any music by Aaron Neville, but that's all going to change soon because, guess what?- He has a Christmas cd! I'm sorry but I have no choice but to believe that it is fate that Sean was singing an Aaron Neville song out of the blue yesterday, and that I decided to play the demo on iTunes to show him how off key he was, and that I stumbled upon an entire list of Christmas songs TWO MONTHS before Christmas!
Fate.
I get giddy just thinking of all the car rides this holiday season. Picture it, the fam and I, driving along and me singing (loudly) to these songs.
iTunes calls his voice soulful- I call it irresistible.
Oh Holy niiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiight........
I dare you-DARE you to listen to one of his songs and not be mystified...
Hmmm, just me then?
I've never actually purchased any music by Aaron Neville, but that's all going to change soon because, guess what?- He has a Christmas cd! I'm sorry but I have no choice but to believe that it is fate that Sean was singing an Aaron Neville song out of the blue yesterday, and that I decided to play the demo on iTunes to show him how off key he was, and that I stumbled upon an entire list of Christmas songs TWO MONTHS before Christmas!
Fate.
I get giddy just thinking of all the car rides this holiday season. Picture it, the fam and I, driving along and me singing (loudly) to these songs.
iTunes calls his voice soulful- I call it irresistible.
Oh Holy niiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiiiieeeeeiiiiiight........
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Don't call it a comeback
Alright people, time for round two. I'm psyched! I can't wait to have to clean the house meticulously, vacate at a moments notice, and take all sorts of negative criticism on my home!!! It is SUPERFANTASTIC!
I'm a little jaded. We've been trying tounload this money pit sell our beautiful house off and on since January of 2008. Turns out, someone really lucked out when they found Sean and I... we were just the right kind of crazy to believe in the "charm" of the place.
Actually, I really do love this house, and if I had a ton of money, I'd maybe remodel the crap out of it to make it more practical, but I don't, and that's just the problem- it would take a LOT of money.
As it turns out, everything that made Sean and I fall in love with the house to begin with is making us want to get rid of it, and also keeping other people from wanting to buy it.
Let's see,
That beautiful wooded ravine in our backyard? Gorgeous to look at, death-trapish for a young child.
Those lovely old windows full of character? A heating nightmare.
That quaint wood burning fireplace in the living room? Lets so much smoke in the house that Kelan has a major asthma attack whenever we even think about starting a fire.
This adorable established neighborhood that is so full of character and has a big city feel? Apparently most Wisconsinites need garages these days. Babies.
So are we putting our house on the market this week? Yeah.
Do I have a lot of hope that it will sell soon? Umm... not so much.
It's okay though, I really do love this house. Just not enough to want to live in it anymore.
I'm a little jaded. We've been trying to
Actually, I really do love this house, and if I had a ton of money, I'd maybe remodel the crap out of it to make it more practical, but I don't, and that's just the problem- it would take a LOT of money.
As it turns out, everything that made Sean and I fall in love with the house to begin with is making us want to get rid of it, and also keeping other people from wanting to buy it.
Let's see,
That beautiful wooded ravine in our backyard? Gorgeous to look at, death-trapish for a young child.
Those lovely old windows full of character? A heating nightmare.
That quaint wood burning fireplace in the living room? Lets so much smoke in the house that Kelan has a major asthma attack whenever we even think about starting a fire.
This adorable established neighborhood that is so full of character and has a big city feel? Apparently most Wisconsinites need garages these days. Babies.
So are we putting our house on the market this week? Yeah.
Do I have a lot of hope that it will sell soon? Umm... not so much.
It's okay though, I really do love this house. Just not enough to want to live in it anymore.
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