"Did I hear you say you were selling your house?" she asked.
To which I giggled.
"Yeah, for awhile now." I replied
"So are you willing to offer up any tips? My husband and I are looking to downsize." she responded.
I don't remember exactly what I said back, but I do remember laughing out loud, I think I said something along the lines of, "Um, my house has been on the market for three years with no offer in sight... so trust me, you don't want any advice I have to give."
Cut to later that day.
I'm getting ready for a last minute showing by cramming a dirty pan (that had been "soaking") in the oven to hide. Suddenly it dawned on me. I have a ton of advice for this woman! I'm practically an expert on living in a house that's for sale! I should write a book! And use the sales to pay off this house! And move! It wouldn't exactly solve the problem of selling this house, but at least I'd have a place to go when the boys are driving me insane.
So I'm thinking of publishing. The title would be, "What to Expect when you are Expecting to Sell Your Overpriced, 100 Year old House in a Crappy Market". Okay, the title is still in revision.
The book will be short. Probably only two chapters long really. Here is a sneak peek:
Chapter one
Chapter two
If you are still reading, here is a list of tips from a master (me of course)
Picking a Realtor
If you made the mistake of picking a realtor based on something silly like reputation, or even sillier like research, or number of houses they have sold in the past, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
What you want to do, is pick a realtor based on their "signage" - which is a fancy realtor word for crap that sits in your yard. You'll want to make sure that it's attractive. Perhaps even request that they photoshop the picture of them, or ask them to plant some sort of climbing plant at the base. Trust me, this is the most important aspect of picking a realtor, because at the end of the day, that shit's going to sit in your lawn for the next couple years...you might as well not have it be an eyesore.
Navigating annoying questions
Oh, were you not expecting your neighbors, friends, family, and strangers walking by to ask how the sale is going? Daily? It'll mostly be neighbors, and it will seem condescending, because they will laugh when they ask, "How's the sale going, any buyers yet?" or "Why would you want to get rid of such a quaint little house?" Okay this last one might not apply to you. But do be aware that the question they are really asking is, "Why are you selling, did you lose your job? Is it going into foreclosure any day now?"
Also, do expect the entire neighborhood to panic when they see you moving anything larger than a grocery bag in or out of your house. They will all make excuses to casually stroll by your house while you are doing so...like walking their cat, or returning that screwdriver that they swear they borrowed. "Are you moving? Did you sell?" they will ask. You know that they are capable of seeing that there is not "sold" sign, so deduce that the question they are really asking is, "Are you abandoning your property??? WILL THERE BE SQUATTERS??"
Relax. These questions will only be annoying for the first couple of years. Then you will be indifferent. You will want to tactfully maneuver these questions and calmly reassure everyone that everything will be okay. After all, it is your job as a good citizen to make sure the elderly in your neighborhood don't all die of heart attacks.
Or is it? Perhaps you take a different tactic? Call them out right away! Answer their questions in a way that will make them run away and never ask again! Say Mr. Jones panics and strolls by when you are moving something into your car to donate to Goodwill. When he asks you if you sold the house, just calmly and seriously say, "No, no we didn't unfortunately. We are getting desperate. I think our only option is to move out in the middle of the night and leave the key in the door. I'm just so sad that this is happening. I hate to think of all the crackheads that will settle in, but you know, this is happening all over town, there is simply nothing we can do." And then walk away. Feel accomplished.
Stay tuned for part two......
Picking a Realtor
If you made the mistake of picking a realtor based on something silly like reputation, or even sillier like research, or number of houses they have sold in the past, it's okay. Everyone makes mistakes.
What you want to do, is pick a realtor based on their "signage" - which is a fancy realtor word for crap that sits in your yard. You'll want to make sure that it's attractive. Perhaps even request that they photoshop the picture of them, or ask them to plant some sort of climbing plant at the base. Trust me, this is the most important aspect of picking a realtor, because at the end of the day, that shit's going to sit in your lawn for the next couple years...you might as well not have it be an eyesore.
Navigating annoying questions
Oh, were you not expecting your neighbors, friends, family, and strangers walking by to ask how the sale is going? Daily? It'll mostly be neighbors, and it will seem condescending, because they will laugh when they ask, "How's the sale going, any buyers yet?" or "Why would you want to get rid of such a quaint little house?" Okay this last one might not apply to you. But do be aware that the question they are really asking is, "Why are you selling, did you lose your job? Is it going into foreclosure any day now?"
Also, do expect the entire neighborhood to panic when they see you moving anything larger than a grocery bag in or out of your house. They will all make excuses to casually stroll by your house while you are doing so...like walking their cat, or returning that screwdriver that they swear they borrowed. "Are you moving? Did you sell?" they will ask. You know that they are capable of seeing that there is not "sold" sign, so deduce that the question they are really asking is, "Are you abandoning your property??? WILL THERE BE SQUATTERS??"
Relax. These questions will only be annoying for the first couple of years. Then you will be indifferent. You will want to tactfully maneuver these questions and calmly reassure everyone that everything will be okay. After all, it is your job as a good citizen to make sure the elderly in your neighborhood don't all die of heart attacks.
Or is it? Perhaps you take a different tactic? Call them out right away! Answer their questions in a way that will make them run away and never ask again! Say Mr. Jones panics and strolls by when you are moving something into your car to donate to Goodwill. When he asks you if you sold the house, just calmly and seriously say, "No, no we didn't unfortunately. We are getting desperate. I think our only option is to move out in the middle of the night and leave the key in the door. I'm just so sad that this is happening. I hate to think of all the crackheads that will settle in, but you know, this is happening all over town, there is simply nothing we can do." And then walk away. Feel accomplished.
Stay tuned for part two......
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