200 dollars later.

I'm not sure what has happened, but psychiatry has taken a weird turn. It used to be all chaise lounges and dream analyzing. Now it's all- here's your script, and make sure to note any weird side effects and tell me all about them when I see you again in six months!

I've actually had the pleasure of meeting with a small variety of psychiatrists in my life. Some good, some bad, and some who should have quit before they started. I give them all secret nicknames in my head (actually, I pretty much do this for everyone). The two worst Psychiatrists I've ever had were Dr. Huge Feet and my latest, Dr. Hunt and Peck. Dr. Huge Feet kept telling me that I was too "trim." I'm not sure why he chose that to fixate on, seeing as how I went there with an anxiety issue, but the last appointment I had with him, he handed me a new prescription that would "be okay to take because you are quite trim and could stand to gain a few pounds." I never filled that prescription, and have not entered his office since.

Which brings me to my latest waste of time, Dr. Hunt and Peck. I chose him because he was at the top of the list alphabetically, which, in retrospect may have been a mistake. Now, I've never been to medical school, but there seems to be a pattern in the medical field. It goes something like this:

PRE-APPOINTMENT

1)Patient goes through some scheduling department

2)Patient fills out paperwork and gives it to some sort of "first line" representative

3)At some point, the medical professional skims over paperwork and makes a judgement about the patient before meeting them

APPOINTMENT

4) Patient sits alone (fully clothed if lucky) in a small office while somewhere the medical professional skims the patient's file to remember what the pre-diagnosis was

5) Medical professional meets and talks to the patient (usually the shortest part of the entire process).

6) Medical professional diagnoses patient and offers a solution.

POST APPOINTMENT

7) Some sort of dictation is recorded and sent out to billing or if the patient is lucky, off to an insurance company who will pay as little as possible

8) Patient is broke for several months.


Everyone just accepts this process because it's routine, and even my preschooler can tell you that routine matters. It's comforting to know that once you have your clothes off, you know what will come next.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure Dr. Hunt and Peck missed this class in med school; Because here's how he rolls:

PRE APPOINTMENT

1)Spend 10 minutes on the phone with the scheduling department- this is a hassle because usually Dr. Hunt and Peck is booked three months in advance.

APPOINTMENT

1) I sit in a large waiting room filling out a sheet that expects me to rank my feelings of self loathing on a scale of 1-10 and my insomnia on a scale of "does not interfere with daily life" to "does interfere with daily life" with nothing in between. During this time, Dr. Hunt and Peck is doing god knows what, but what I assume is playing Angry Birds on some mobile device.

2) Dr. Hunt and Peck calls my name in the waiting room and seems surprised when I walk over to him (He does not recognise me from one appt. to the next). I am then ushered into a small office.

3) Hunt and Peck begins to read my file in front of me while I sit in silence for about five minutes wondering why he couldn't have done this before, the crappy magazines in the waiting room would have been more enjoyable than staring at the wall and waiting for him to address me.

4) Hunt and Peck starts asking all of the questions that I just answered on the sheet. Even though I'm sure he is a nice man, I'm convinced that he could not care less and am secretly tempted to say something shocking, just for some excitement.

5) Hunt and Peck types his dictation while I am answering. I'm not sure if it is because he has a bad memory or what, but I am forced to watch him type everything with his TWO POINTER FINGERS.

6) Dr. Hunt and Peck looks at me sincerely and asks me very broad questions like "what's going on in your life right now?" I blink very slowly and wonder what the hell he is expecting me to say to him- a man who sees me twice or three times a year. I panic a little bit wondering how my answers will affect my meds. I tell him everything is going well- I'm pretty sure I would say that if both of my legs were on fire or I had planned to leave his office and drive off the nearest bridge.

7)More typing. I sit and wonder how much housework I could have gotten done during this time and question how it is I can trust a man with my psychiatric medical decisions if he hasn't even learned the home keys.

8) I walk out with six months of refills and more "feelings of guilt or unworthiness" than when I walked in.

POST APPOINTMENT

9) Dr. Hunt and Peck goes back to his angry birds until his next client has waited a sufficient amount of time in the big waiting room.