I resolve to not lose my mind in 2013

I'm not good at creating habits.  I dread routine because it seems to turn months into years pretty quickly.  Even my morning coffee seems to give me that feeling of, didn't I just do this? Where did yesterday go...

But alas, I'm off meds so I made a couple of resolutions to lessen my anxiety, routines are actually really good for that. Routines and sedatives.  I kid.

Resolution #1- Stop drinking coffee like it's water.  

I think I've built up a tolerance for caffeine.  I need to get down to a cup or two of coffee a day at the most, and I need to stop mixing in the sugar for that extra burst of energy.  Too many crashes.

Resolution #2- Keep the weight on.

I write this more as an awkward confession than anything, but I've had a couple uncomfortable conversations with doctors involving my fertility.  I was under the impression that my weight was fine, but the bottom line is that if I ever hope to have another baby, I have to stay at a weight that is uncomfortable for me.  Setting aside all of the tangents that can stem from that statement, I recently sucked it up and gained 10 lbs.

Now, I accept that only certain people in my life can understand that it is not stone cold narcissism that holds me back...  It's complicated.

And I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

But I've made the resolution to try as hard as I can to keep this weight on...2013 here I come?

And finally, Resolution # 3- Facebook less, blog more.

I recently read a couple scholarly articles about the effects of social networking on the average person.  Turns out, facebook actually makes people sad.  I admit it has the power to make me completely insecure.  One look at how wonderful everything is for everyone at any given moment does have the ability to make me wonder if I am okay.  Am I doing it wrong???? But then I unplug and everything is okay again.  So I've been checking in once a day rather than 20, and taking one day a week off from finding out what everyone ate for breakfast.  It's already freed up some serious time!

So yeah.  That's it.

We're Fancy

This is a conversation that Sean and I had at the dinner table tonight, without any hint of emotion-- it was all very matter of fact.

Sean: There's scotch tape in your hair.

Me: I know, I couldn't find a bobby pin.

Sean: Oh.

200 dollars later.

I'm not sure what has happened, but psychiatry has taken a weird turn. It used to be all chaise lounges and dream analyzing. Now it's all- here's your script, and make sure to note any weird side effects and tell me all about them when I see you again in six months!

I've actually had the pleasure of meeting with a small variety of psychiatrists in my life. Some good, some bad, and some who should have quit before they started. I give them all secret nicknames in my head (actually, I pretty much do this for everyone). The two worst Psychiatrists I've ever had were Dr. Huge Feet and my latest, Dr. Hunt and Peck. Dr. Huge Feet kept telling me that I was too "trim." I'm not sure why he chose that to fixate on, seeing as how I went there with an anxiety issue, but the last appointment I had with him, he handed me a new prescription that would "be okay to take because you are quite trim and could stand to gain a few pounds." I never filled that prescription, and have not entered his office since.

Which brings me to my latest waste of time, Dr. Hunt and Peck. I chose him because he was at the top of the list alphabetically, which, in retrospect may have been a mistake. Now, I've never been to medical school, but there seems to be a pattern in the medical field. It goes something like this:

PRE-APPOINTMENT

1)Patient goes through some scheduling department

2)Patient fills out paperwork and gives it to some sort of "first line" representative

3)At some point, the medical professional skims over paperwork and makes a judgement about the patient before meeting them

APPOINTMENT

4) Patient sits alone (fully clothed if lucky) in a small office while somewhere the medical professional skims the patient's file to remember what the pre-diagnosis was

5) Medical professional meets and talks to the patient (usually the shortest part of the entire process).

6) Medical professional diagnoses patient and offers a solution.

POST APPOINTMENT

7) Some sort of dictation is recorded and sent out to billing or if the patient is lucky, off to an insurance company who will pay as little as possible

8) Patient is broke for several months.


Everyone just accepts this process because it's routine, and even my preschooler can tell you that routine matters. It's comforting to know that once you have your clothes off, you know what will come next.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure Dr. Hunt and Peck missed this class in med school; Because here's how he rolls:

PRE APPOINTMENT

1)Spend 10 minutes on the phone with the scheduling department- this is a hassle because usually Dr. Hunt and Peck is booked three months in advance.

APPOINTMENT

1) I sit in a large waiting room filling out a sheet that expects me to rank my feelings of self loathing on a scale of 1-10 and my insomnia on a scale of "does not interfere with daily life" to "does interfere with daily life" with nothing in between. During this time, Dr. Hunt and Peck is doing god knows what, but what I assume is playing Angry Birds on some mobile device.

2) Dr. Hunt and Peck calls my name in the waiting room and seems surprised when I walk over to him (He does not recognise me from one appt. to the next). I am then ushered into a small office.

3) Hunt and Peck begins to read my file in front of me while I sit in silence for about five minutes wondering why he couldn't have done this before, the crappy magazines in the waiting room would have been more enjoyable than staring at the wall and waiting for him to address me.

4) Hunt and Peck starts asking all of the questions that I just answered on the sheet. Even though I'm sure he is a nice man, I'm convinced that he could not care less and am secretly tempted to say something shocking, just for some excitement.

5) Hunt and Peck types his dictation while I am answering. I'm not sure if it is because he has a bad memory or what, but I am forced to watch him type everything with his TWO POINTER FINGERS.

6) Dr. Hunt and Peck looks at me sincerely and asks me very broad questions like "what's going on in your life right now?" I blink very slowly and wonder what the hell he is expecting me to say to him- a man who sees me twice or three times a year. I panic a little bit wondering how my answers will affect my meds. I tell him everything is going well- I'm pretty sure I would say that if both of my legs were on fire or I had planned to leave his office and drive off the nearest bridge.

7)More typing. I sit and wonder how much housework I could have gotten done during this time and question how it is I can trust a man with my psychiatric medical decisions if he hasn't even learned the home keys.

8) I walk out with six months of refills and more "feelings of guilt or unworthiness" than when I walked in.

POST APPOINTMENT

9) Dr. Hunt and Peck goes back to his angry birds until his next client has waited a sufficient amount of time in the big waiting room.

In which Kelan shows his love for all things taxidermic

I'm a fan of the outdoors. Give me a lake and a fire pit and I'm cool. When I was Kelan's age, vacations were road trips. Every summer my parents would pack us into a bright yellow station wagon and drive us to Montana and Wyoming for a camping trip that was anywhere from 2-6 weeks long. We'd sleep in tents, hike, and swim. My brother and sister and I would "explore" for hours and hours. It was kind of wild. When my parents were sick of us they would tell us to go play, or try to sell us on an adventure. My dad would send us off on elaborate scavenger hunts. I will never forget the hours and hours we wasted trying to find a venus fly trap in the mountains.

Now that I am a parent of a preschooler and have some insight into vacationing with kids, I have come to the conclusion that my parents must have been out of their damn minds to take three small kids on a road trip across the country. I can survive an hour and a half in the car with Kelan before I start praying for temporary deafness.

This past weekend Sean, Kelan, and I took a weekend long trip to an indoor waterpark with my sister and her family. We got back yesterday and as with every vacation since Kelan was born, I am now in need of some sort of sensory deprivation experience. Not that I blame Kelan, he's just a three year old like any other. Instead I blame my parents, for making me think that vacations were meant to be outside, in quiet, not-crowded places, where strangers are fully clothed. Mostly.

Now, I tend to get overstimulated fairly easily. I have a hard time being in new places with a lot of people while also having to perform challenging mental tasks, such as forming sentences or thoughts, and forget about making a decision. I tend to just shut down. If you ever want a funny* example, just ask Sean about our famous nursing bra shopping expedition, or how awesome it is to stand in line next to me at Subway.

Stick with me, I have a point here somewhere.... oh yeah! Enter Wilderness Waterpark Resort. When my sister invited us two or three months ago to come with, I was excited. I knew Kelan would love it! However, in my head it looked something like this:




Except you know... inside.

In real life, it was this:


Times three, because there were three different parks and an Indoor playground attached to an arcade. And to be fair, this picture can not depict the volume of a hundred kids yelling over rushing water.**

Add to all of this: my raging insecurities, a bikini (because I'm a masochist), and a million ways for a kid to drown...and you have me in a constant state of fight or flight. Friday night I made Sean brave the crowds alone because I had "some unpacking to do." Saturday morning, I got courageous, donned my suit and trudged the mile and a half of hotel hallway (I'm not exaggerating, that place is freaking huge) and that's when I walked in and saw this:

for the first time. 30 minutes later, after the Valium (that I promptly ran back up to the room for) kicked in, I was only mildly paralyzed and had some fun with Kelan in the wave pool. And, spoiler alert--nobody drowned.

Hyperbole aside, It was nice to get away from home, and Kelan really did enjoy himself. I hope we haven't set his vacation expectations too high though, because we will go camping sometime soon, and I don't know how to sell sleeping in a tent after the indoor "wilderness" experience.

My favorite pictures of the weekend in which Kelan got up and started dancing next to a stuffed bear in one of the three hundred lobbies:

(and no, we don't tell him to pose, he embarrasses me in public without any guidance, and Sean likes to memorialize anything that embarrasses me)

My favorite moment of the weekend: Kelan having a temper tantrum in the middle of the hotel hallway while wearing nothing but a pull-up (on backwards). He was screaming- "NO DON'T TAKE ME WITH YOU! I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE WATER!!!" Good times.


*Not at all funny


** This picture was taken on Sunday morning-- Mother's day, so it was the least crowded it got.