I resolve to not lose my mind in 2013

I'm not good at creating habits.  I dread routine because it seems to turn months into years pretty quickly.  Even my morning coffee seems to give me that feeling of, didn't I just do this? Where did yesterday go...

But alas, I'm off meds so I made a couple of resolutions to lessen my anxiety, routines are actually really good for that. Routines and sedatives.  I kid.

Resolution #1- Stop drinking coffee like it's water.  

I think I've built up a tolerance for caffeine.  I need to get down to a cup or two of coffee a day at the most, and I need to stop mixing in the sugar for that extra burst of energy.  Too many crashes.

Resolution #2- Keep the weight on.

I write this more as an awkward confession than anything, but I've had a couple uncomfortable conversations with doctors involving my fertility.  I was under the impression that my weight was fine, but the bottom line is that if I ever hope to have another baby, I have to stay at a weight that is uncomfortable for me.  Setting aside all of the tangents that can stem from that statement, I recently sucked it up and gained 10 lbs.

Now, I accept that only certain people in my life can understand that it is not stone cold narcissism that holds me back...  It's complicated.

And I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

But I've made the resolution to try as hard as I can to keep this weight on...2013 here I come?

And finally, Resolution # 3- Facebook less, blog more.

I recently read a couple scholarly articles about the effects of social networking on the average person.  Turns out, facebook actually makes people sad.  I admit it has the power to make me completely insecure.  One look at how wonderful everything is for everyone at any given moment does have the ability to make me wonder if I am okay.  Am I doing it wrong???? But then I unplug and everything is okay again.  So I've been checking in once a day rather than 20, and taking one day a week off from finding out what everyone ate for breakfast.  It's already freed up some serious time!

So yeah.  That's it.

We are a weird people, in my not so humble opinion

I've never hosted a foreign exchange student, but sometimes I like to pretend that my four year old is just an inquisitive foreigner that I have to introduce our culture to... it's nice to switch things up a bit.

Truly though, I love that he asks the type of questions that force me to see how ridiculous some of my own practices and beliefs are. His questions even make me feel better about the things I've never understood about our culture, for instance, now I know I'm not the only one who wonders why high heels exist if they're not fun to walk in, or why all books don't have pictures in them.

I have always been driven to understand the "why" behind things. It makes me crazy when others don't share this personality trait, but then again, those people probably get a lot more sleep than I do (and will probably live a good ten years longer too). I'm glad that Kelan seems to be a natural "skeptic", even if it does make me crazy in an, oh-my-god-shut-up-and-just-do-it-already-don't-ask-why-just-obey!!! (Which is kind of what I imagine a lot of our politicians think to themselves....)

What all of this has so clearly been leading to is a list of things that I will never understand how to explain to him, all of these are things he's asked except for one (you can try to guess which). It's a list of things that I will never understand about our society.

1. People who are above the rules, in both large and small ways- and it's not the big stuff that gets to me, really. White collar crime? Murder? I can kind of wrap my brain around it. Mostly it's mental illness and narcissism, plain and simple. But the small stuff? Like cutting in front of me in line? Refusing to obey the rules of a four way stop? Jaywalking? That's the stuff that makes me want to pull a person aside and ask, "Why does everyone have to follow the rules but you? What makes you so special?"*

2. Breast implants- As a culture, we are so incredibly vain. I am not "against" breast implants or anything. Plastic surgery has its place.** But I've just never really understood it. The only time I think I could advise anyone to do it, is if they could honestly answer the following, "If after the surgery, you woke up to realize that you were the last person left on Earth, would you still do it?" Not that the procedure would cause the human race to die out, just that you could be absolutely sure that you were doing it for yourself and not anyone else. Because, I understand that we are visual creatures. I can appreciate beauty and symmetry, but whenever I see a pair of perfect, obviously fake breasts, all I can think, is that they look like that because somebody CUT THEM OPEN or otherwise shoved some sort of plastic-y liquid filled bags in there.

3. Over sized cars (and don't even get me started on mansions)- Do you own a Tahoe? An Excursion? Do you own an over sized pick up truck? I'm not judging you, but I do want to know why... because the only answer I will understand, is that you a) have six to sixteen kids to haul around, b) live in your large SUV, or c) haul large things daily. DAILY. Otherwise, I just can't quite see the reason. I'll still like you, I'll still be your friend (if you are not an asshole), but I'll ask you an endless stream of why questions, if that's okay.

4. Taxidermy- What? The hell? My sister recently made me watch this famous commercial on Youtube, which I replayed and laughed at about 500 times; But the commercial, combined with a local trip to a nature preserve really made me wonder about taxidermy. We've all (okay, maybe not everyone) stayed at that friend's cottage and had a creepy night's sleep under a large dead dear head with it's eyes staring at you. Or at the very least have come face to face with that large moose behind counter at Abercrombie and Fitch. Have you ever stopped to wonder why? My four year old and I have. Why would someone want a dead animal in their house? Why would another someone study the art of how to turn a dead animal into a permanently alive-looking dead animal? Does this not creep you out just a little? As far as I'm concerned, Jeffrey Dahmer tried that with people and that was frowned upon. It seems like just a small line to cross from a moose if you really think about it though...

5. Catch-and-release fishing- I'm not against hunting and fishing. I do think it's become a little perverted in modern time considering it used to be for life instead of for sport, but I understand hunting. I don't despise hunters or anything. What I don't quite get is catch-and-release fishing for "fun."  I mean, it has to be just a little bit of a power trip. Why do it? So that you can prove that fish can be tricked by your bait? It just makes me think of how strange it would be if I was walking along the street one day and grabbed a yummy doughnut to take a bite only to be pulled into who knows where, maimed, and then thrown back. I wonder if it causes some sort of food phobias in fish populations. I should study this.

So yeah. What have you had a hard time explaining to your foreign exchange student, child, self?


* Which is why I do not subscribe to helicopter parenting. Is there a better way to create entitlement issues? I can't think of one.

** (Insert bath salts/ face-eating reference here)

Don't become friends with that cigarette, kids - He will cut you.

It's not every day that your husband turns to you and says, "I feel the need to warn you that I might try to strangle you in your sleep."

But that's life these days.

Sean and I are both trying to give up some vices. Because, now that our second child is indefinitely on hold, we figure we will just have to be healthy and live longer... lest there be canes present at any high school graduations.

Sean is trying to stop smoking when he gets stressed, and I'm trying to give up my addiction to refined sugars.

We are trying our best to support each other, but regardless, it's been a bit chaotic 'round here.

Sean is trying that drug Chantix, which apparently has some weird possible side effects*. I am trying to stop my willful ignorance of calorie intake, because, a calorie is NOT a calorie, is not a calorie...or so I'm told. And we are both researching the best ways to get rid of our bad habits.

Which brings me to this:

This is our newest refrigerator art; It sent Kelan's self portrait packing. It's a quitting aid for smokers. This is one of those things that I read, and instantly want to meet the author. The document is entitled, "Your 'friend' the cigarette" and features a list of comparisons between a smoking habit, and a terrible friend.

The comparisons start off innocent,

"How do you feel about a friend that must go everywhere you do?"

Then it gets serious,

"How do you feel about a friend that burns holes in your clothes and has even been known to burn down a house?"

Huh... that's a weird friend...

Then it gets downright scary,

"How do you feel about a friend that carries an arsenal of poisons with him, and every chance he gets, he makes you sick?"

Wow.

And, this is the one that sent me over the edge, into funny visuals and uncontrollable laughter,

"How do you feel about a friend who has been plotting your death since the first time you met?"

Umm. Holy crap. Nicotine is a dick!!!

Every time I walk past this, I giggle to myself. The first thing I thought of was taking a picture of a cigarette somehow wielding a knife next to Sean's pillow when he was sleeping, and hanging that on the refrigerator next to it..but that might send the wrong message regarding my support of his quitting.

Or would it?

*And strangling people in your sleep is not even the weirdest one, by the way.

Fun with facebook. and alliteration.

So I've been on Facebook for like five minutes now and clearly it is time that I bother you with my opinions on it. I have a love/hate relationship with FB and I just can't seem to make a commitment to stay or to leave. The problem seems to be that in real life, people are complex and awesome, but then they log in to facebook and suddenly become one-dimensional. There are certain facebook personalities that people take on without even noticing and it can be really hard to deal with if you don't ever get to see their complex little selves in "real life". Here are the top ten I've noticed... and ultimately un-friended in most cases... (because let's face it, if you aren't still [real world] friends with that one kid you played with in preschool, there is probably a good reason).

1) Addicted Amy-I am often worried for this user, because facebook has somehow become their means of relating to the world. If they haven't updated their status 10 times by 9 am, you wonder if you should be contacting local law enforcement because they are probably missing or dead. Usually three things are true about this poster: 1) You'll likely have seen more pictures of random things they see throughout their day than you have of your own family. 2) They should probably start listing things that they "dislike" because their profile would be shorter. 3) If facebook ever dies off, therapy will be necessary.

2) Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens Kristy!!!- This poster loves his/her life, because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! These daily posts will alternately make you homicidal or suicidal as a reader. Most posts will be something along the lines of "A and B happened today, and I am SOOOO [insert adverb and positive feeling]!!! I guess I imagine Kristy writing these posts from a corner of her house, while smiling a huge shaky smile with tears running down her face. I am also convinced she is a cutter.

3) I'm HERE, Hannah- Hannah is Waldo and Carmen Sandiago all in one! She assumes that somehow you have lost her. Her only posts come in the form of that weird facebook feature that lets you know where she is and exactly who she is with (complete with links to their profile pages, just in case you want to super-judge them before you see them). If you pay attention, Hannah will account for her entire day--which really takes the fun out for stalkers I bet. You wonder if she has ever been robbed I mean, is there an easier target???

4) I have the best boyfriend/fiance/husband Betty- Betty is in love!!! Her only updates will be accounts of the latest thing that her perfect significant other did. Betty will make you worry that your relationship is falling apart, after all, your SO is not buying you a dozen roses every week or surprising you with wonderful weekends away! This poster will more often than not have comments on her status by none other than perfect SO, usually to the tune of, "You are SOOO welcome babe!! XOXOXOX" This always makes me feel like a creepy voyeur. I've come to the conclusion that anyone this in love publicly, must be miserable privately.

5) Cryptic Cindy- Cindy updates her status once or twice a day, and you never know anything more about Cindy after you've read them then you did before. Her updates are disturbingly vague. She will inundate your news feed with statements like, "I've been crying all morning...:(" (do note the frowny face icon - Cindy lives for emoticons) or, "So happy about the awesome news I just got!!!" and my personal favorite, "Why me?" These updates are annoying. Part of you wants to give them the attention that they are after and ask, "What is it???" But most of you just moves on to the next post.

6)Bad news Barb- Bad news Barb is the type of person who tells you an anecdote before she says hello when she sees you. I'm convinced that she checks Yahoo news four hundred times a day for the sole purpose of being the first to deliver news about the latest devastating earthquake, shocking hostage situation, or sickening celebrity break up gossip (isn't it just terrible about those poor children!?!). Often, Barb will use someone else's tragedy to remind her of how lucky she is and publicly counts her blessings, which is more distasteful than she realizes.

7)Political Polly- Polly watches CNN (or massive amounts of Fox News, take your pick) and she wants you to know it! She is passionate about the "issues" and needs you to be too. Obviously facebook is the best venue for politics, I mean, where else should you go to let everyone from your boss to your great grandma know exactly what is best for the world/country/state/city/block/neighbors house and why you know it? Here is how I handle Political Polly on facebook: If I agree with her, I don't comment. If I don't agree with her? I don't comment. We learn in "real life" not to discuss politics and religion in mixed company, so why should facebook be so different? (FYI- I don't suggest telling Polly the above advice, after all it is a free country).

8)Religious Reba- It's hard to dislike Reba. I don't mind her, I have no problem with anyone's GOD or anyone talking about him/her, but this facebook personality is worth mentioning. Everyone has that one facebook friend that has scripture for every situation and hardly goes five minutes without praising GOD for everything from getting her to work safely to helping her find the peanut butter in the grocery store. Then again... I do sometimes wonder if she has heard that rule about politics and religion.

9) Workout Wanda- This facebook personality is tricky because there are two subtypes. You have Marathon Miranda, and Chronic dieter Debbie. Somehow, both subtypes manage to spit out the same updates with this template: Today was [either good or bad]! I managed to eat [a,b, and c], and I [input exercise and amount]! The only difference is that Marathon Miranda will be talking about how she stuck to her diet of raw almonds and organic steamed spinach while running 8 miles, and Chronic dieter Debbie will be posting about how she stuck to her diet of seven glasses of water (2 pkgs of crystal light each) and 3 cans of soup. She even took the stairs instead of the elevator at work and parked further away then usual! We all know dieter Debbie. She is that woman in your office that proudly passes on the birthday cake opting instead for 17 of those pre- packaged 100 calorie servings of Oreos.

10)I friend everyone I meet Maggie- The only status updates from Maggie are those, Maggie is now friends with Jane Doe and John Smith ones. Maggie has well over seven hundred "friends" but hardly updates her status. I have deduced a couple of reasons why this is. Either she is trying to keep up with a jumbled mess of seven hundred other peoples' status updates, or she is too busy meeting people on buses and whipping out her iPhone to send them friend requests. I imagine it is probably worth it for her when she logs in on her birthday to see several hundred Happy Birthday Maggie!'s and feels super popular.