I resolve to not lose my mind in 2013

I'm not good at creating habits.  I dread routine because it seems to turn months into years pretty quickly.  Even my morning coffee seems to give me that feeling of, didn't I just do this? Where did yesterday go...

But alas, I'm off meds so I made a couple of resolutions to lessen my anxiety, routines are actually really good for that. Routines and sedatives.  I kid.

Resolution #1- Stop drinking coffee like it's water.  

I think I've built up a tolerance for caffeine.  I need to get down to a cup or two of coffee a day at the most, and I need to stop mixing in the sugar for that extra burst of energy.  Too many crashes.

Resolution #2- Keep the weight on.

I write this more as an awkward confession than anything, but I've had a couple uncomfortable conversations with doctors involving my fertility.  I was under the impression that my weight was fine, but the bottom line is that if I ever hope to have another baby, I have to stay at a weight that is uncomfortable for me.  Setting aside all of the tangents that can stem from that statement, I recently sucked it up and gained 10 lbs.

Now, I accept that only certain people in my life can understand that it is not stone cold narcissism that holds me back...  It's complicated.

And I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

But I've made the resolution to try as hard as I can to keep this weight on...2013 here I come?

And finally, Resolution # 3- Facebook less, blog more.

I recently read a couple scholarly articles about the effects of social networking on the average person.  Turns out, facebook actually makes people sad.  I admit it has the power to make me completely insecure.  One look at how wonderful everything is for everyone at any given moment does have the ability to make me wonder if I am okay.  Am I doing it wrong???? But then I unplug and everything is okay again.  So I've been checking in once a day rather than 20, and taking one day a week off from finding out what everyone ate for breakfast.  It's already freed up some serious time!

So yeah.  That's it.

I hope I don't jinx anything by doing an early New Years post

I've spent a lot of time reflecting lately, on this past year and all of the new lessons I had to learn the hard way; On all the accomplishments and setbacks, and of course all the crazy. This is what I ended up with, bullet-point style:

The world didn't end on December 21st- so there's that.

Parenting continues to be the neverending lesson in futility, but apparently the universe wants to pound that one in.  I'm a slow learner, what can I say? In my defense,  Infancy is a big huge parenting tease. you put them in the cute clothes, buckle them in the car seat, and take off.  It's a micromanager's dream.  But then they get opinions, and with that comes the bittersweet realization that, as a parent, letting go is all you'll ever do.

Truthfully, There are a lot of power struggles in my home.  Sean and I could not be more opposite on the parenting-style spectrum, and yet we are on the exact same side of the stubbornness scale.  Luckily for us, we didn't get a very malleable child, or we'd be screwed.  Kelan knows himself, and is strong-willed, he's better off for it, even if I don't agree tomorrow. Or by the time I'm finished writing this sentence.

I guess what I'm trying to say, and not so eloquently, I might add, is that learning to let go is a constant lesson in my life, 2012 was no exception. My dad likes to remind me that control is an illusion anyway, and I'm grateful for that.

Which, Segue! Brings me to...

Gratitude. By far and away the most important force in my life this year.  Because, a tiny part of me always knew that I'd be ready to move on from the money pit just as soon as I started to like it.  I don't know what it was about that house, but it just always seemed to symbolize all the "stuck" in my life, and the resentment was palpable.  It was like I was literally living in my own negativity.  We all were.  And then we took it off the market and I just decided to be grateful. For everything.  Little by little.  I realize that I am sounding kind of nuts, but hear me out.  It was the key, the key to moving forward and not being stuck anymore.

So I carry it on to this new place in my life, I'm grateful for every little part of it, and deep--really freaking deep down, I know it could not be, unless I'd been "stuck" for a ridiculous amount of time.  But don't tell me that a year ago- I would have probably slapped you in the face.

I think that's probably enough reflection for the day.

Summary: 2012 was eventful.  2013 has its work cut out for it.

Happy Early New Year!

So

So... It's December.

Suddenly I have a five year old, which is just...wow.  I mean, it's probably time to start breaking out the Boniva and make an appointment for Botox because I'm OLD now. I have had a serious conversation with a medical professional about my child's "stool". There's no coming back from that, no, "Oh, where's that kegger at tonight?" in my future. Not that I want there to be, just...you know, noting.

Um, I digress.

December!  And it's the end of an era for us (and hopefully not also the end of the world, because that would be a bummer).  We are finally saying goodbye to the money pit.  I know, bittersweet, right? No.  Pretty much just sweet.  T- minus twelve days until the move and I can barely sleep I'm so excited.  Homeownership is not all it's cracked up to be, people.  Especially ancient home-ownership.  For the near future, this girl's American dream involves a magic phone number to call when anything needs maintenance and a landscaping budget the size of a windowsill.

So that's what's new.  Packing and cleaning and organizing and sorting. It's like Christmas came early!

I'll let Samuel Jackson do the cursing for me this time

Well, things around here have officially gone from kind of nuts to cartoonishy crazy. I couldn't make this stuff up.

For your sake and mine, i'll stick to bullet points

- The heap of junk that sits in our driveway

Yes, our old Civic is on it's way out.  We have put thousands into that car and it has given us a couple of good years, but I'm pretty sure it's time to call it.  I'm not very picky about what I drive so I would be happy enough just to drive the car until it putters out, but the big issue is that it's become kind of an environmental hazard.  It basically makes it's way through the city leaking oil in a steady stream.  I've learned not to park in any driveway for any reason. Ever.  We checked on what it would cost to fix the issue and it's more than half of what the car is worth these days.  We need it to last until March. Keep your fingers crossed for us...

-  The heap of junk that sits on our property

What's new with the money pit, you ask? Wait, you didn't ask?  Here's the scoop: it's not sold yet and thankfully now, off the market for awhile.  We averaged about one showing per week this summer, which is kind of a lot, but unfortunately we are just going to have to stick around here for awhile, tossing more money into the pit. Which actually brings me to....

- The bats!  

The bats! The bugs, I've gotten used to.  The mice? The cats have gotten used to, but the bat situation in this house has me losing it.  It's almost exactly like that movie, Snakes on a Plane- Samuel Jackson's famous line, actually-- just watch this. Yes. That is how I feel except, replace snakes with bats. And replace plane with house. We've had four of them in the past two months. We had one exterminator come out and all he could say is that he has no idea where they are coming from* The last bat we woke up to flying overhead at four am. In our bedroom. Good times.

- the zombies! 

Fine, so there is only one, and it's me.  It's still a threat though.  Going off all my meds seemed like such a good idea back when I was still on them; Back when we were thinking of potential future risk to fetus (what is the plural of fetus?), because, baby fever!!  However, now, in the thick of withdrawal from Effexor--constant headaches, brain fog, nausea, and debilitating fatigue?? The extent to which I look and feel like the walking dead has me thinking, baby shmaby, my brains are gone...give me yours, nom.  Which brings me to...

- my unemployable self

Okay, I know what you're thinking.  It's probably the zombie thing, idiot! But you're wrong, because, of the six part-time minimum wage or near minimum wage jobs I've applied for this summer, not one prospective employer has even seen me in person! That's right, not one interview.  It's pathetic really. On paper, though, I don't even look that bad! I'm a responsible adult whose had some college, an average work history, and I volunteer in the community! What gives? I'm already picking out the classes I plan on taking next semester. I've had it with the Wisconsin job market. 

- cactuslegsgate

The thing is, it's basically a miracle that this doesn't happen more often based on how often I talk without thinking.  Basically cactuslegsgate started one evening when Kelan and I were watching television together. He turned to me and said, "Ew mom, your legs are pokey." I absentmindedly replied, "Yeah, I guess I do have cactus legs today, don't I?" Apparently K thought this was pretty funny, because two nights later when we were reading stories he proudly mentioned that he told Miss Rachel (daycare staff) that she had cactus legs. Nice.  So, to anyone my child may have offended, please accept my sincerest apologies.

There you have it.  This is what we have been up to lately. Zombies, bats, oil spills, and vast pits with money at the bottom.  It could be better, it could be a whole lot worse.  I'll take it.  And just like the lyrics in that One Republic song, We'll keep marching on, one foot right in front of the other. 


*Hades?

   

We are a weird people, in my not so humble opinion

I've never hosted a foreign exchange student, but sometimes I like to pretend that my four year old is just an inquisitive foreigner that I have to introduce our culture to... it's nice to switch things up a bit.

Truly though, I love that he asks the type of questions that force me to see how ridiculous some of my own practices and beliefs are. His questions even make me feel better about the things I've never understood about our culture, for instance, now I know I'm not the only one who wonders why high heels exist if they're not fun to walk in, or why all books don't have pictures in them.

I have always been driven to understand the "why" behind things. It makes me crazy when others don't share this personality trait, but then again, those people probably get a lot more sleep than I do (and will probably live a good ten years longer too). I'm glad that Kelan seems to be a natural "skeptic", even if it does make me crazy in an, oh-my-god-shut-up-and-just-do-it-already-don't-ask-why-just-obey!!! (Which is kind of what I imagine a lot of our politicians think to themselves....)

What all of this has so clearly been leading to is a list of things that I will never understand how to explain to him, all of these are things he's asked except for one (you can try to guess which). It's a list of things that I will never understand about our society.

1. People who are above the rules, in both large and small ways- and it's not the big stuff that gets to me, really. White collar crime? Murder? I can kind of wrap my brain around it. Mostly it's mental illness and narcissism, plain and simple. But the small stuff? Like cutting in front of me in line? Refusing to obey the rules of a four way stop? Jaywalking? That's the stuff that makes me want to pull a person aside and ask, "Why does everyone have to follow the rules but you? What makes you so special?"*

2. Breast implants- As a culture, we are so incredibly vain. I am not "against" breast implants or anything. Plastic surgery has its place.** But I've just never really understood it. The only time I think I could advise anyone to do it, is if they could honestly answer the following, "If after the surgery, you woke up to realize that you were the last person left on Earth, would you still do it?" Not that the procedure would cause the human race to die out, just that you could be absolutely sure that you were doing it for yourself and not anyone else. Because, I understand that we are visual creatures. I can appreciate beauty and symmetry, but whenever I see a pair of perfect, obviously fake breasts, all I can think, is that they look like that because somebody CUT THEM OPEN or otherwise shoved some sort of plastic-y liquid filled bags in there.

3. Over sized cars (and don't even get me started on mansions)- Do you own a Tahoe? An Excursion? Do you own an over sized pick up truck? I'm not judging you, but I do want to know why... because the only answer I will understand, is that you a) have six to sixteen kids to haul around, b) live in your large SUV, or c) haul large things daily. DAILY. Otherwise, I just can't quite see the reason. I'll still like you, I'll still be your friend (if you are not an asshole), but I'll ask you an endless stream of why questions, if that's okay.

4. Taxidermy- What? The hell? My sister recently made me watch this famous commercial on Youtube, which I replayed and laughed at about 500 times; But the commercial, combined with a local trip to a nature preserve really made me wonder about taxidermy. We've all (okay, maybe not everyone) stayed at that friend's cottage and had a creepy night's sleep under a large dead dear head with it's eyes staring at you. Or at the very least have come face to face with that large moose behind counter at Abercrombie and Fitch. Have you ever stopped to wonder why? My four year old and I have. Why would someone want a dead animal in their house? Why would another someone study the art of how to turn a dead animal into a permanently alive-looking dead animal? Does this not creep you out just a little? As far as I'm concerned, Jeffrey Dahmer tried that with people and that was frowned upon. It seems like just a small line to cross from a moose if you really think about it though...

5. Catch-and-release fishing- I'm not against hunting and fishing. I do think it's become a little perverted in modern time considering it used to be for life instead of for sport, but I understand hunting. I don't despise hunters or anything. What I don't quite get is catch-and-release fishing for "fun."  I mean, it has to be just a little bit of a power trip. Why do it? So that you can prove that fish can be tricked by your bait? It just makes me think of how strange it would be if I was walking along the street one day and grabbed a yummy doughnut to take a bite only to be pulled into who knows where, maimed, and then thrown back. I wonder if it causes some sort of food phobias in fish populations. I should study this.

So yeah. What have you had a hard time explaining to your foreign exchange student, child, self?


* Which is why I do not subscribe to helicopter parenting. Is there a better way to create entitlement issues? I can't think of one.

** (Insert bath salts/ face-eating reference here)

Unless you are a fan of vomiting in your mouth a little, don't read this.

I'm not posting this one on Facebook because I don't want to bore anyone to death with details that, frankly, aren't even a little exciting.  But all the same, I needed someplace to document this stuff because I'm getting older, and there's no way this is going to stay in my brain long.



A picture could not relay this, but he is singing in the rain.


One of those just between us, veteran-mom-speaks-to-novice-mom type books during my last months of pregnancy warned me that it's normal for the whole "motherhood" thing not to hit you right away.  A lot of veterans mentioned that feeling of unreality about having a child, even described feeling as if they were just babysitting long term or didn't feel like a "real" mom until some poingnant moment came along and it suddenly hit them.

I most definitely didn't feel like a "real" mom right away. It hit me slowly over his first year actually.  It was always those little shoes that did it. I'd be picking up those tiny shoes off the floor and think, "Holy crap, I'm someone's mom." Same thing when I'd be folding onesies at 8:00 p.m. on a Friday night, which might as well have been midnight. The big one though, that one poignant moment that hit me like a bolt of lightning, happened when he was a little over a year old.  I had him out for a walk in his stroller and he'd had a cold.  I remember wiping his nose and then freaking out because, where do I put this dirty Kleenex? Yeah, the moment that shoved me over the line into full-on motherhood, was the first time I shoved a dirty Kleenex in my coat pocket. There's no turning back from that. It's probably one step down from using spit to clean your kid's face. 

I take a lot of unusual pictures around the house; Pictures of toys set up in the midst of play, of the superheros lined up on the bathtub to dry, of that jar that he tried to keep the latest caterpiller in, along with one lonely dead leaf. If you looked at my iPod or cell phone's stored pictures, you'd find a lot of random scenes like that. Not because I'm trying to be super artsy and unique, but because these are the things I'm scared of forgetting. Just like the dirty Kleenex and the baby shoes, I'm terrified that by the time he's speeding in our car and lusting after vapid, overly made-up girls, I'll have lost the memory of the time he let me take a nap when I was tired, and busied himself by building a huge duplo creation. And when I woke up, how he was so excited to tell me it was called "The double tree restaraunt"- his restaraunt that only sold pancakes and strawberries. The lego guys sure seemed to be enjoying it.

I'll end this with a list of my favorite Kelan words and phrases- the things he has defined himself, and I love them too much to correct him on. 

Fire letter- lighter
Washing syrup- laundry detergent
"The sand for the dishwasher"- Cascade
"For the heck of god"- he says this when he is frustrated
The butt snacks- Veggie Booty or any of the like
The block store- The learning shop
The puzzle game- any iPod or mobile device

If I don't answer the door, assume that I am off shopping for ugly lawn ornaments

Four weeks until freedom.

In just four short weeks our contract with the latest realtor is up.  She has been such a great realtor, but we need a break from the insanity.

I'm positive this is the right decision for now, because I'm already fantasizing about coming home to a house without one of those stupid key holder boxes on the door.  It's been so long that I have forgotten what our doorknob looks like.

It's crazy the things that you can adjust to when a process that is meant to take a couple of months ends up dragging on for years.  Nothing surprises me about the homebuyer anymore. It doesn't phase me when I see people trying to peek into my windows. I'm no longer taken aback when someone knocks on the door at eight in the morning wanting to know the price. And when Sean is out doing yardwork on the weekend and someone begs to come through the house?  I actually survey the mess and contemplate, instead of being appalled. I'm not exaggerating. This has all happened.  More than once.

A couple of weeks ago, I came home to find a large van blocking my driveway.  With my arms full of groceries, I casually went inside and set them down before confronting the strange woman on my deck.  She had "just come by to check out the property" which she mistakenly had assumed was "vacant" which surprised me, considering Kelan's bike was parked on the front walk.
But these days, my head is in a house sans a For Sale sign in the front yard. I'm almost feeling a little rebellious. The freedom will bring seemingly endless possibilities! I can stop being hyperaware of the superficial negatives of the house. Hell, in a month, if I want to, I can put a bed in the livingroom! I can plaster the rooms with personal pictures, paint a room neon pink, or even take a shower without being unduly afraid that the call center has gotten the time wrong or forgotten to confirm a showing and someone might walk in at any moment.*

This zombie lawn art?  Is now officially an option. I bet you take that for granted, comfortable home owner.

I am excitedly awaiting that large sigh of relief that I can breathe on August 1st. 


*The various call centers have yet to mess up, but it doesn't stop me from showering with lightening speed on days with showings...