Fun with facebook. and alliteration.

So I've been on Facebook for like five minutes now and clearly it is time that I bother you with my opinions on it. I have a love/hate relationship with FB and I just can't seem to make a commitment to stay or to leave. The problem seems to be that in real life, people are complex and awesome, but then they log in to facebook and suddenly become one-dimensional. There are certain facebook personalities that people take on without even noticing and it can be really hard to deal with if you don't ever get to see their complex little selves in "real life". Here are the top ten I've noticed... and ultimately un-friended in most cases... (because let's face it, if you aren't still [real world] friends with that one kid you played with in preschool, there is probably a good reason).

1) Addicted Amy-I am often worried for this user, because facebook has somehow become their means of relating to the world. If they haven't updated their status 10 times by 9 am, you wonder if you should be contacting local law enforcement because they are probably missing or dead. Usually three things are true about this poster: 1) You'll likely have seen more pictures of random things they see throughout their day than you have of your own family. 2) They should probably start listing things that they "dislike" because their profile would be shorter. 3) If facebook ever dies off, therapy will be necessary.

2) Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens Kristy!!!- This poster loves his/her life, because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! These daily posts will alternately make you homicidal or suicidal as a reader. Most posts will be something along the lines of "A and B happened today, and I am SOOOO [insert adverb and positive feeling]!!! I guess I imagine Kristy writing these posts from a corner of her house, while smiling a huge shaky smile with tears running down her face. I am also convinced she is a cutter.

3) I'm HERE, Hannah- Hannah is Waldo and Carmen Sandiago all in one! She assumes that somehow you have lost her. Her only posts come in the form of that weird facebook feature that lets you know where she is and exactly who she is with (complete with links to their profile pages, just in case you want to super-judge them before you see them). If you pay attention, Hannah will account for her entire day--which really takes the fun out for stalkers I bet. You wonder if she has ever been robbed I mean, is there an easier target???

4) I have the best boyfriend/fiance/husband Betty- Betty is in love!!! Her only updates will be accounts of the latest thing that her perfect significant other did. Betty will make you worry that your relationship is falling apart, after all, your SO is not buying you a dozen roses every week or surprising you with wonderful weekends away! This poster will more often than not have comments on her status by none other than perfect SO, usually to the tune of, "You are SOOO welcome babe!! XOXOXOX" This always makes me feel like a creepy voyeur. I've come to the conclusion that anyone this in love publicly, must be miserable privately.

5) Cryptic Cindy- Cindy updates her status once or twice a day, and you never know anything more about Cindy after you've read them then you did before. Her updates are disturbingly vague. She will inundate your news feed with statements like, "I've been crying all morning...:(" (do note the frowny face icon - Cindy lives for emoticons) or, "So happy about the awesome news I just got!!!" and my personal favorite, "Why me?" These updates are annoying. Part of you wants to give them the attention that they are after and ask, "What is it???" But most of you just moves on to the next post.

6)Bad news Barb- Bad news Barb is the type of person who tells you an anecdote before she says hello when she sees you. I'm convinced that she checks Yahoo news four hundred times a day for the sole purpose of being the first to deliver news about the latest devastating earthquake, shocking hostage situation, or sickening celebrity break up gossip (isn't it just terrible about those poor children!?!). Often, Barb will use someone else's tragedy to remind her of how lucky she is and publicly counts her blessings, which is more distasteful than she realizes.

7)Political Polly- Polly watches CNN (or massive amounts of Fox News, take your pick) and she wants you to know it! She is passionate about the "issues" and needs you to be too. Obviously facebook is the best venue for politics, I mean, where else should you go to let everyone from your boss to your great grandma know exactly what is best for the world/country/state/city/block/neighbors house and why you know it? Here is how I handle Political Polly on facebook: If I agree with her, I don't comment. If I don't agree with her? I don't comment. We learn in "real life" not to discuss politics and religion in mixed company, so why should facebook be so different? (FYI- I don't suggest telling Polly the above advice, after all it is a free country).

8)Religious Reba- It's hard to dislike Reba. I don't mind her, I have no problem with anyone's GOD or anyone talking about him/her, but this facebook personality is worth mentioning. Everyone has that one facebook friend that has scripture for every situation and hardly goes five minutes without praising GOD for everything from getting her to work safely to helping her find the peanut butter in the grocery store. Then again... I do sometimes wonder if she has heard that rule about politics and religion.

9) Workout Wanda- This facebook personality is tricky because there are two subtypes. You have Marathon Miranda, and Chronic dieter Debbie. Somehow, both subtypes manage to spit out the same updates with this template: Today was [either good or bad]! I managed to eat [a,b, and c], and I [input exercise and amount]! The only difference is that Marathon Miranda will be talking about how she stuck to her diet of raw almonds and organic steamed spinach while running 8 miles, and Chronic dieter Debbie will be posting about how she stuck to her diet of seven glasses of water (2 pkgs of crystal light each) and 3 cans of soup. She even took the stairs instead of the elevator at work and parked further away then usual! We all know dieter Debbie. She is that woman in your office that proudly passes on the birthday cake opting instead for 17 of those pre- packaged 100 calorie servings of Oreos.

10)I friend everyone I meet Maggie- The only status updates from Maggie are those, Maggie is now friends with Jane Doe and John Smith ones. Maggie has well over seven hundred "friends" but hardly updates her status. I have deduced a couple of reasons why this is. Either she is trying to keep up with a jumbled mess of seven hundred other peoples' status updates, or she is too busy meeting people on buses and whipping out her iPhone to send them friend requests. I imagine it is probably worth it for her when she logs in on her birthday to see several hundred Happy Birthday Maggie!'s and feels super popular.