I think I might be magical. Before you run off to have me committed, I'm only half serious. I'm actually positive that I'm magical. Perhaps that's not even the right word. What I actually mean by that, is that I have realized that I posses some super-human abilities, specifically that of invisibility. And no, I don't think I'm going too far by saying that (you can make that phone call now if you want).
It started a long time ago, but it's getting worse now. At first it was just a random occurrence, like once in awhile someone would cut in front of me in a line. These days, automatic doors aren't even opening for me. I'm serious, it happens like twice a week where I just stand outside an automatic door and inch closer and closer to it until someone comes from behind me and the doors open. It's like I'm lacking some sort of presence.
The crazy thing is, usually I am the only one who actually IS present. I blame it on the fact that I don't have a cell phone, but that's really only a hopeful guess. The honest truth is, I'm kind of forgettable. Let me give you an example of a near daily occurrence in my life. I am walking into a building behind someone. Said person opens the door, enters the building, and I am then met by a door in my face. Humbling, that.
Another personal favorite of mine is any place that I take Kelan where other children and parents are present. The library is where it's getting kind of sad. The scene I typically walk into is a bunch of kids wandering around aimlessly while a bunch of parents lean up against book shelves texting away, or in worst cases- taking phone calls! It seems like I'm having to say, "um, excuse us please, sorry" to people constantly. When did people just stop looking around? I find that when I sit down to read Kelan a story, I end up reading it to an entire little group of wandering children whose parents are MIA.
Don't even get me started about the grocery store. Sean absolutely refuses to shop with me anymore, and it's not as if I blame him, I wouldn't shop with myself if I didn't have to. The grocery store is like my own personal Bermuda Triangle, the second I walk in there, I am non existent. I end up getting stuck in aisles for ridiculously long periods of time because people just walk in font of me and crouch down to grab what they need, or reach down to switch songs on their mp3 player and walk right into me. I'll stand at the end of an aisle and a continuous line of carts will just keep passing me without letting me go ahead.
A couple days ago, I was grabbing some items, and a woman ahead of me parked her cart in the middle of the aisle. We were the only two in the particular aisle. She looked at me, and then looked at her cart and continued to grab things off the shelf. I edged closer to her cart, but I didn't want to move it myself because it was an awkward situation, what with her standing literally an inch away from it. I panicked and just stopped and pretended to be shopping until she left the aisle. I bought a can of tuna that I didn't need, just so that she didn't think I was crazy, which is so clearly ironic, because she wouldn't have noticed if I was laying down in front of her cart!!!
Invisibility isn't always such a bad thing though, I used to skip classes constantly in school without any repercussions. I never get stopped by those survey people or cell phone salesmen in the mall, and it's reassuring to know that I could probably have a lucrative career in the petty theft business if it was ever necessary.
I've been brainstorming ideas and I'm currently in the market for a bright orange hunting vest if anyone has one. Maybe that's why people are starting to get more and more eccentric. My theory is that Lady Gaga just got sick of freezing in the frozen food section and went nuts one day. It helps me feel less alone.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
My five year plan: stay married and try not to screw up the kid I already have...
So, we're getting rid of baby things left and right. Because, let's face it, you can only walk by an empty nursery forty times a day for so long before you start to feel like one of those women in the lifetime movies who end up going crazy and cutting a baby out of someone...
And it's funny, because even though I've never set up a rigid, specific plan for my life, I certainly never imagined being the parent to an only child.
This is probably more information than you need or want, but since the miscarriage last spring, we haven't even been trying for a second child. And, it's not like we're running off to have any permanent "procedures", if you know what I mean.
It's just...complicated. And there are so many variables! I'm beginning to think that the smartest thing to do when having more than one child is just to keep having them before you can stop to think about it. Because once you stop to really think about it, you start thinking things like, "this whole him dressing himself and getting his own breakfast thing sure is nice..." and that leads to fantasies of never having to change a diaper again, and actually sitting down and eating for longer than 10 minutes...you know, crazy things like that.
Not to make it sound like it's just my decision or anything. I mean, Sean would already have two or three kids if it was just up to him, but that's because he's never been in active labor, among other things. So we are handling this like pretty much every other decision we can't finalize...which is, let's just see what happens if we just ignore it.
So little by little the baby things are disappearing. I've totally given up on gaining that weight I was supposed to gain in order to prepare for possibly having hyperemesis gravadarium again (good times), and I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, everything will end up exactly how it was meant to, without planning it down to the second.
Or maybe the world will end in 2012. Problem solved.
And it's funny, because even though I've never set up a rigid, specific plan for my life, I certainly never imagined being the parent to an only child.
This is probably more information than you need or want, but since the miscarriage last spring, we haven't even been trying for a second child. And, it's not like we're running off to have any permanent "procedures", if you know what I mean.
It's just...complicated. And there are so many variables! I'm beginning to think that the smartest thing to do when having more than one child is just to keep having them before you can stop to think about it. Because once you stop to really think about it, you start thinking things like, "this whole him dressing himself and getting his own breakfast thing sure is nice..." and that leads to fantasies of never having to change a diaper again, and actually sitting down and eating for longer than 10 minutes...you know, crazy things like that.
Not to make it sound like it's just my decision or anything. I mean, Sean would already have two or three kids if it was just up to him, but that's because he's never been in active labor, among other things. So we are handling this like pretty much every other decision we can't finalize...which is, let's just see what happens if we just ignore it.
So little by little the baby things are disappearing. I've totally given up on gaining that weight I was supposed to gain in order to prepare for possibly having hyperemesis gravadarium again (good times), and I'm starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, everything will end up exactly how it was meant to, without planning it down to the second.
Or maybe the world will end in 2012. Problem solved.
Friday, July 8, 2011
200 dollars later.
I'm not sure what has happened, but psychiatry has taken a weird turn. It used to be all chaise lounges and dream analyzing. Now it's all- here's your script, and make sure to note any weird side effects and tell me all about them when I see you again in six months!I've actually had the pleasure of meeting with a small variety of psychiatrists in my life. Some good, some bad, and some who should have quit before they started. I give them all secret nicknames in my head (actually, I pretty much do this for everyone). The two worst Psychiatrists I've ever had were Dr. Huge Feet and my latest, Dr. Hunt and Peck. Dr. Huge Feet kept telling me that I was too "trim." I'm not sure why he chose that to fixate on, seeing as how I went there with an anxiety issue, but the last appointment I had with him, he handed me a new prescription that would "be okay to take because you are quite trim and could stand to gain a few pounds." I never filled that prescription, and have not entered his office since.
Which brings me to my latest waste of time, Dr. Hunt and Peck. I chose him because he was at the top of the list alphabetically, which, in retrospect may have been a mistake. Now, I've never been to medical school, but there seems to be a pattern in the medical field. It goes something like this:
PRE-APPOINTMENT
1)Patient goes through some scheduling department
2)Patient fills out paperwork and gives it to some sort of "first line" representative
3)At some point, the medical professional skims over paperwork and makes a judgement about the patient before meeting them
APPOINTMENT
4) Patient sits alone (fully clothed if lucky) in a small office while somewhere the medical professional skims the patient's file to remember what the pre-diagnosis was
5) Medical professional meets and talks to the patient (usually the shortest part of the entire process).
6) Medical professional diagnoses patient and offers a solution.
POST APPOINTMENT
7) Some sort of dictation is recorded and sent out to billing or if the patient is lucky, off to an insurance company who will pay as little as possible
8) Patient is broke for several months.
Everyone just accepts this process because it's routine, and even my preschooler can tell you that routine matters. It's comforting to know that once you have your clothes off, you know what will come next.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure Dr. Hunt and Peck missed this class in med school; Because here's how he rolls:
PRE APPOINTMENT
1)Spend 10 minutes on the phone with the scheduling department- this is a hassle because usually Dr. Hunt and Peck is booked three months in advance.
APPOINTMENT
1) I sit in a large waiting room filling out a sheet that expects me to rank my feelings of self loathing on a scale of 1-10 and my insomnia on a scale of "does not interfere with daily life" to "does interfere with daily life" with nothing in between. During this time, Dr. Hunt and Peck is doing god knows what, but what I assume is playing Angry Birds on some mobile device.
2) Dr. Hunt and Peck calls my name in the waiting room and seems surprised when I walk over to him (He does not recognise me from one appt. to the next). I am then ushered into a small office.
3) Hunt and Peck begins to read my file in front of me while I sit in silence for about five minutes wondering why he couldn't have done this before, the crappy magazines in the waiting room would have been more enjoyable than staring at the wall and waiting for him to address me.
4) Hunt and Peck starts asking all of the questions that I just answered on the sheet. Even though I'm sure he is a nice man, I'm convinced that he could not care less and am secretly tempted to say something shocking, just for some excitement.
5) Hunt and Peck types his dictation while I am answering. I'm not sure if it is because he has a bad memory or what, but I am forced to watch him type everything with his TWO POINTER FINGERS.
6) Dr. Hunt and Peck looks at me sincerely and asks me very broad questions like "what's going on in your life right now?" I blink very slowly and wonder what the hell he is expecting me to say to him- a man who sees me twice or three times a year. I panic a little bit wondering how my answers will affect my meds. I tell him everything is going well- I'm pretty sure I would say that if both of my legs were on fire or I had planned to leave his office and drive off the nearest bridge.
7)More typing. I sit and wonder how much housework I could have gotten done during this time and question how it is I can trust a man with my psychiatric medical decisions if he hasn't even learned the home keys.
8) I walk out with six months of refills and more "feelings of guilt or unworthiness" than when I walked in.
POST APPOINTMENT
9) Dr. Hunt and Peck goes back to his angry birds until his next client has waited a sufficient amount of time in the big waiting room.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
It's like the universe knows when I need something to blog about
I was a hero once.
Fine, so I use the term "hero" loosely.
Back when I lived at "that crazy party house" (as I've heard it referred to) my roommates and I had some pretty wild adventures. One of my favorite (because as mentioned above, I totally saved the day) is the bat story.
Once upon a warm summer evening, I was awoken by a frantic person in my doorway talking about some bird flying in her room. I wish I could say that I jumped out of bed and ran to the spot immediately, but in such a house as this one was, I can't even admit that I was surprised. What was surprising, is that when I finally dragged myself out of bed and saw that there was a bat in my roommate's bedroom (just hanging all upside down, looking at us like, "what?") there was not a guy to be found. But of course on any other given night when they were useless, they could be found crashing on any surface.
And it's also no surprise that there was a bat inside. It's not like our slumlord made sure there were screens anywhere, and people tended to just open windows anyway for some reason (well actually there were many reasons, I mean you need a place to crawl out of to sit on the roof at 2 am obviously).
Anyway, what the hell to do, right? So it's close to four am, and three of us girls just stared at each other spouting out crazy ideas, and I have absolutely no idea what was said, but I imagine it went something like this....
'What are we going to do?'
'I don't know, don't they like, bite and scratch people?'
'Sarah, you do this, you are the animal person'
'Guys! I heard something about using a tennis racket'
'I don't want rabies!!!'
'Wait, what do we do with the tennis racket?'
'Did it just move!? I think it just moved!!!'
That is when Sarah got brave and decided to just go for it. She put us on bat watch and disappeared for awhile. When she came back, it was priceless. In fact, I brought my camera out and took pictures (and if I had a scanner and wasn't lazy I would totally post them here). Anyway, she had on: a winter hat, some one's goggles from a college lab class, a scarf, a sweater, an apron, and winter gloves. How she found all of this so quickly in the middle of summer remains a mystery, but she was brave enough to get a chair and pose for a pic in front of the upside down bat. But just as she was slowly reaching a gloved hand towards it....it started to frantically fly around the room.
And there was screaming. And running.
I think we shut the door and sat outside of it for a good ten minutes, and I'm pretty sure someone actually did grab a tennis racket by the way.
Eventually we peeked in the door. And it had settled down in it's favorite little weird place on the door frame. And I got brave. I don't remember if I put the goggles on, but I did put a glove on and I still can't believe I did this, but I courageously* walked over to the chair, grabbed the bat in my gloved hand, sprinted to the window, and tossed it out. Then there was more screaming.
And we all went to bed the end.
***
I guess I was reminded of this story today, when I woke up at (oddly 4 am) and saw the cats freaking out in Kelan's room when I went to check on him. Then something whizzed by my head.
This time I let Sean be the hero. I made some oatmeal while he wandered in and out of the kitchen every once in awhile bringing random things up with him (a broom, a garbage bag ((which totally made me think of that episode of The Office)), even a pizza box) I think the kicker is that the same kid who wakes up when I am downstairs unloading the dishwasher, slept through all of this commotion.
Anyway. Bat#2 is gone, I'm convinced we all have rabies though.
Send a CDC rep.
*The kind of courage that can only come from a night with domestic canned beer and off-brand vodka
Fine, so I use the term "hero" loosely.
Back when I lived at "that crazy party house" (as I've heard it referred to) my roommates and I had some pretty wild adventures. One of my favorite (because as mentioned above, I totally saved the day) is the bat story.
Once upon a warm summer evening, I was awoken by a frantic person in my doorway talking about some bird flying in her room. I wish I could say that I jumped out of bed and ran to the spot immediately, but in such a house as this one was, I can't even admit that I was surprised. What was surprising, is that when I finally dragged myself out of bed and saw that there was a bat in my roommate's bedroom (just hanging all upside down, looking at us like, "what?") there was not a guy to be found. But of course on any other given night when they were useless, they could be found crashing on any surface.
And it's also no surprise that there was a bat inside. It's not like our slumlord made sure there were screens anywhere, and people tended to just open windows anyway for some reason (well actually there were many reasons, I mean you need a place to crawl out of to sit on the roof at 2 am obviously).
Anyway, what the hell to do, right? So it's close to four am, and three of us girls just stared at each other spouting out crazy ideas, and I have absolutely no idea what was said, but I imagine it went something like this....
'What are we going to do?'
'I don't know, don't they like, bite and scratch people?'
'Sarah, you do this, you are the animal person'
'Guys! I heard something about using a tennis racket'
'I don't want rabies!!!'
'Wait, what do we do with the tennis racket?'
'Did it just move!? I think it just moved!!!'
That is when Sarah got brave and decided to just go for it. She put us on bat watch and disappeared for awhile. When she came back, it was priceless. In fact, I brought my camera out and took pictures (and if I had a scanner and wasn't lazy I would totally post them here). Anyway, she had on: a winter hat, some one's goggles from a college lab class, a scarf, a sweater, an apron, and winter gloves. How she found all of this so quickly in the middle of summer remains a mystery, but she was brave enough to get a chair and pose for a pic in front of the upside down bat. But just as she was slowly reaching a gloved hand towards it....it started to frantically fly around the room.
And there was screaming. And running.
I think we shut the door and sat outside of it for a good ten minutes, and I'm pretty sure someone actually did grab a tennis racket by the way.
Eventually we peeked in the door. And it had settled down in it's favorite little weird place on the door frame. And I got brave. I don't remember if I put the goggles on, but I did put a glove on and I still can't believe I did this, but I courageously* walked over to the chair, grabbed the bat in my gloved hand, sprinted to the window, and tossed it out. Then there was more screaming.
And we all went to bed the end.
***
I guess I was reminded of this story today, when I woke up at (oddly 4 am) and saw the cats freaking out in Kelan's room when I went to check on him. Then something whizzed by my head.
This time I let Sean be the hero. I made some oatmeal while he wandered in and out of the kitchen every once in awhile bringing random things up with him (a broom, a garbage bag ((which totally made me think of that episode of The Office)), even a pizza box) I think the kicker is that the same kid who wakes up when I am downstairs unloading the dishwasher, slept through all of this commotion.
Anyway. Bat#2 is gone, I'm convinced we all have rabies though.
Send a CDC rep.
*The kind of courage that can only come from a night with domestic canned beer and off-brand vodka
Saturday, June 18, 2011
This could be a mistake, but it's not like I have a ton of readers to piss off...
You know how sometimes you taste or smell something and it is so bad or disturbing that you can't help but get everyone around you to do it too? This might be one of those "it's just me" things. Only, I feel the need to trick people into experiencing things, like, "Hey Sean, taste this, it's soooo good!" It sounds all mean when I type it out, but it's not like people would do things If I told them the truth...
Or would they?
I've been watching far too much television since this insomnia started, and lately I've been on a documentary streak. Documentaries are cool because it's like watching reality TV without the guilt...well less of it anyway. Netflix has a lot of titles that are available on instant play. Anyway, of the documentaries I've seen lately, A small list sticks out in my head. I don't know why, but the last three I've seen have all been disturbing, although two of them have been about the death penalty.
I have to say that I'm not overly passionate about a lot of issues. I try not to take extreme views on anything because I hate conflict, there is always grey area, and I think it just opens the door for debates, and debates are positively useless. However, I am pro-choice (not to be confused with pro-abortion), and I do oppose the death penalty.
That said, I found these documentaries disturbing for various reasons and I want you to watch them so I'm not alone in my disturbedness!!
- The Last Word
-My Flesh and Blood (not about the death penalty, but hard to watch)
-Deadline
Let me know what you think!
Or would they?
I've been watching far too much television since this insomnia started, and lately I've been on a documentary streak. Documentaries are cool because it's like watching reality TV without the guilt...well less of it anyway. Netflix has a lot of titles that are available on instant play. Anyway, of the documentaries I've seen lately, A small list sticks out in my head. I don't know why, but the last three I've seen have all been disturbing, although two of them have been about the death penalty.
I have to say that I'm not overly passionate about a lot of issues. I try not to take extreme views on anything because I hate conflict, there is always grey area, and I think it just opens the door for debates, and debates are positively useless. However, I am pro-choice (not to be confused with pro-abortion), and I do oppose the death penalty.
That said, I found these documentaries disturbing for various reasons and I want you to watch them so I'm not alone in my disturbedness!!
- The Last Word
-My Flesh and Blood (not about the death penalty, but hard to watch)
-Deadline
Let me know what you think!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Yep.This really is my life.
There is a good reason that I am not a nurse. Actually there are several. It turns out that in my old age, I am not very fond of vomit or blood or feces or... touching people. I've heard many parents say, "Oh, it is SO different when it is your child." Um not for this girl. I've yet to pick up a dirty kleenex or change a diaper and feel the love. Mostly, it is just a lot of dry heaving.
I had to take Kelan to the pediatrician this week. Again. Because he has had a sinus infection that keeps coming back. He woke up with a fever and I just made an appointment. It's actually pretty cool not to have a baby anymore. I've learned all of the fun tricks now. Instead of being the "good client" and asking for a nurse, I just call the scheduling department and tell them I want him to be seen. Before, I would always sweetly ask for a nurse who would give me a hundred question quiz before telling me to schedule an appointment (It's the parent/nurse equivilant of that IT department that you have to first go through that asks you if your computer isn't working because you forgot to plug it in or turn it on). Let me tell you, they always do end up telling you to schedule, because they don't want to be the one who gets sued if a kid dies.
So anyway, I took him in and enjoyed the awesomeness that is trying to occupy a three-year-old in a 5 by 5 room. Which, on a side note, is even worse than it was for parents a generation ago, because now they have stopped putting toys anywhere because GERMS! and THE FLU! and DEATH!!!!! Apparently they are all against kids building immunities these days.
Just at about the point where I'm about to sneak out and pretend I was never there, the pediatrician comes in. I really like ours because she is good at acting like everything happens all the time. I swear we could bring him in bleeding out of the ears and she would calmly say, "Ah, yeah, I've seen this a hundred times, my kids had it twice, here's your script!" She looked up his nose and declared that it was a sinus infection.
But just when I was ready to tell her which Walgreens and run away, she totally threw me for a loop, "Does he pee on command?" she asked, "I think I'm going to take a urine sample just in case." Uhhhh. and before I could say "Come again?" a nurse was at the door. She thrust a cup in my hand and says "Ok, we'll just need a small sample, and make sure to and I quote, 'wipe the tip' with an antibacterial wipe beforehand" (she was very cheery about the whole ordeal), and then she just walked away. SHE WALKED AWAY!!!
And once again, I'm starting to research child psychiatrists because I'm sure he is scarred for life by the experience. Actually it wasn't so bad. Once I picked my jaw up off the floor and bribed him with a popsicle, everything was fine. I even made it through that awkward moment standing outside of a bathroom holding urine praying that I don't give it to the wrong nurse. (When will they learn to stick around a bathroom?)
Once again. These are the things they leave out of the "What to Expect" books.
I had to take Kelan to the pediatrician this week. Again. Because he has had a sinus infection that keeps coming back. He woke up with a fever and I just made an appointment. It's actually pretty cool not to have a baby anymore. I've learned all of the fun tricks now. Instead of being the "good client" and asking for a nurse, I just call the scheduling department and tell them I want him to be seen. Before, I would always sweetly ask for a nurse who would give me a hundred question quiz before telling me to schedule an appointment (It's the parent/nurse equivilant of that IT department that you have to first go through that asks you if your computer isn't working because you forgot to plug it in or turn it on). Let me tell you, they always do end up telling you to schedule, because they don't want to be the one who gets sued if a kid dies.
So anyway, I took him in and enjoyed the awesomeness that is trying to occupy a three-year-old in a 5 by 5 room. Which, on a side note, is even worse than it was for parents a generation ago, because now they have stopped putting toys anywhere because GERMS! and THE FLU! and DEATH!!!!! Apparently they are all against kids building immunities these days.
Just at about the point where I'm about to sneak out and pretend I was never there, the pediatrician comes in. I really like ours because she is good at acting like everything happens all the time. I swear we could bring him in bleeding out of the ears and she would calmly say, "Ah, yeah, I've seen this a hundred times, my kids had it twice, here's your script!" She looked up his nose and declared that it was a sinus infection.
But just when I was ready to tell her which Walgreens and run away, she totally threw me for a loop, "Does he pee on command?" she asked, "I think I'm going to take a urine sample just in case." Uhhhh. and before I could say "Come again?" a nurse was at the door. She thrust a cup in my hand and says "Ok, we'll just need a small sample, and make sure to and I quote, 'wipe the tip' with an antibacterial wipe beforehand" (she was very cheery about the whole ordeal), and then she just walked away. SHE WALKED AWAY!!!
And once again, I'm starting to research child psychiatrists because I'm sure he is scarred for life by the experience. Actually it wasn't so bad. Once I picked my jaw up off the floor and bribed him with a popsicle, everything was fine. I even made it through that awkward moment standing outside of a bathroom holding urine praying that I don't give it to the wrong nurse. (When will they learn to stick around a bathroom?)
Once again. These are the things they leave out of the "What to Expect" books.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Fun with facebook. and alliteration.
So I've been on Facebook for like five minutes now and clearly it is time that I bother you with my opinions on it. I have a love/hate relationship with FB and I just can't seem to make a commitment to stay or to leave. The problem seems to be that in real life, people are complex and awesome, but then they log in to facebook and suddenly become one-dimensional. There are certain facebook personalities that people take on without even noticing and it can be really hard to deal with if you don't ever get to see their complex little selves in "real life". Here are the top ten I've noticed... and ultimately un-friended in most cases... (because let's face it, if you aren't still [real world] friends with that one kid you played with in preschool, there is probably a good reason).
1) Addicted Amy-I am often worried for this user, because facebook has somehow become their means of relating to the world. If they haven't updated their status 10 times by 9 am, you wonder if you should be contacting local law enforcement because they are probably missing or dead. Usually three things are true about this poster: 1) You'll likely have seen more pictures of random things they see throughout their day than you have of your own family. 2) They should probably start listing things that they "dislike" because their profile would be shorter. 3) If facebook ever dies off, therapy will be necessary.
2) Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens Kristy!!!- This poster loves his/her life, because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! These daily posts will alternately make you homicidal or suicidal as a reader. Most posts will be something along the lines of "A and B happened today, and I am SOOOO [insert adverb and positive feeling]!!! I guess I imagine Kristy writing these posts from a corner of her house, while smiling a huge shaky smile with tears running down her face. I am also convinced she is a cutter.
3) I'm HERE, Hannah- Hannah is Waldo and Carmen Sandiago all in one! She assumes that somehow you have lost her. Her only posts come in the form of that weird facebook feature that lets you know where she is and exactly who she is with (complete with links to their profile pages, just in case you want to super-judge them before you see them). If you pay attention, Hannah will account for her entire day--which really takes the fun out for stalkers I bet. You wonder if she has ever been robbed I mean, is there an easier target???
4) I have the best boyfriend/fiance/husband Betty- Betty is in love!!! Her only updates will be accounts of the latest thing that her perfect significant other did. Betty will make you worry that your relationship is falling apart, after all, your SO is not buying you a dozen roses every week or surprising you with wonderful weekends away! This poster will more often than not have comments on her status by none other than perfect SO, usually to the tune of, "You are SOOO welcome babe!! XOXOXOX" This always makes me feel like a creepy voyeur. I've come to the conclusion that anyone this in love publicly, must be miserable privately.
5) Cryptic Cindy- Cindy updates her status once or twice a day, and you never know anything more about Cindy after you've read them then you did before. Her updates are disturbingly vague. She will inundate your news feed with statements like, "I've been crying all morning...:(" (do note the frowny face icon - Cindy lives for emoticons) or, "So happy about the awesome news I just got!!!" and my personal favorite, "Why me?" These updates are annoying. Part of you wants to give them the attention that they are after and ask, "What is it???" But most of you just moves on to the next post.
6)Bad news Barb- Bad news Barb is the type of person who tells you an anecdote before she says hello when she sees you. I'm convinced that she checks Yahoo news four hundred times a day for the sole purpose of being the first to deliver news about the latest devastating earthquake, shocking hostage situation, or sickening celebrity break up gossip (isn't it just terrible about those poor children!?!). Often, Barb will use someone else's tragedy to remind her of how lucky she is and publicly counts her blessings, which is more distasteful than she realizes.
7)Political Polly- Polly watches CNN (or massive amounts of Fox News, take your pick) and she wants you to know it! She is passionate about the "issues" and needs you to be too. Obviously facebook is the best venue for politics, I mean, where else should you go to let everyone from your boss to your great grandma know exactly what is best for the world/country/state/city/block/neighbors house and why you know it? Here is how I handle Political Polly on facebook: If I agree with her, I don't comment. If I don't agree with her? I don't comment. We learn in "real life" not to discuss politics and religion in mixed company, so why should facebook be so different? (FYI- I don't suggest telling Polly the above advice, after all it is a free country).
8)Religious Reba- It's hard to dislike Reba. I don't mind her, I have no problem with anyone's GOD or anyone talking about him/her, but this facebook personality is worth mentioning. Everyone has that one facebook friend that has scripture for every situation and hardly goes five minutes without praising GOD for everything from getting her to work safely to helping her find the peanut butter in the grocery store. Then again... I do sometimes wonder if she has heard that rule about politics and religion.
9) Workout Wanda- This facebook personality is tricky because there are two subtypes. You have Marathon Miranda, and Chronic dieter Debbie. Somehow, both subtypes manage to spit out the same updates with this template: Today was [either good or bad]! I managed to eat [a,b, and c], and I [input exercise and amount]! The only difference is that Marathon Miranda will be talking about how she stuck to her diet of raw almonds and organic steamed spinach while running 8 miles, and Chronic dieter Debbie will be posting about how she stuck to her diet of seven glasses of water (2 pkgs of crystal light each) and 3 cans of soup. She even took the stairs instead of the elevator at work and parked further away then usual! We all know dieter Debbie. She is that woman in your office that proudly passes on the birthday cake opting instead for 17 of those pre- packaged 100 calorie servings of Oreos.
10)I friend everyone I meet Maggie- The only status updates from Maggie are those, Maggie is now friends with Jane Doe and John Smith ones. Maggie has well over seven hundred "friends" but hardly updates her status. I have deduced a couple of reasons why this is. Either she is trying to keep up with a jumbled mess of seven hundred other peoples' status updates, or she is too busy meeting people on buses and whipping out her iPhone to send them friend requests. I imagine it is probably worth it for her when she logs in on her birthday to see several hundred Happy Birthday Maggie!'s and feels super popular.
1) Addicted Amy-I am often worried for this user, because facebook has somehow become their means of relating to the world. If they haven't updated their status 10 times by 9 am, you wonder if you should be contacting local law enforcement because they are probably missing or dead. Usually three things are true about this poster: 1) You'll likely have seen more pictures of random things they see throughout their day than you have of your own family. 2) They should probably start listing things that they "dislike" because their profile would be shorter. 3) If facebook ever dies off, therapy will be necessary.
2) Sunshine, rainbows, and kittens Kristy!!!- This poster loves his/her life, because EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! These daily posts will alternately make you homicidal or suicidal as a reader. Most posts will be something along the lines of "A and B happened today, and I am SOOOO [insert adverb and positive feeling]!!! I guess I imagine Kristy writing these posts from a corner of her house, while smiling a huge shaky smile with tears running down her face. I am also convinced she is a cutter.
3) I'm HERE, Hannah- Hannah is Waldo and Carmen Sandiago all in one! She assumes that somehow you have lost her. Her only posts come in the form of that weird facebook feature that lets you know where she is and exactly who she is with (complete with links to their profile pages, just in case you want to super-judge them before you see them). If you pay attention, Hannah will account for her entire day--which really takes the fun out for stalkers I bet. You wonder if she has ever been robbed I mean, is there an easier target???
4) I have the best boyfriend/fiance/husband Betty- Betty is in love!!! Her only updates will be accounts of the latest thing that her perfect significant other did. Betty will make you worry that your relationship is falling apart, after all, your SO is not buying you a dozen roses every week or surprising you with wonderful weekends away! This poster will more often than not have comments on her status by none other than perfect SO, usually to the tune of, "You are SOOO welcome babe!! XOXOXOX" This always makes me feel like a creepy voyeur. I've come to the conclusion that anyone this in love publicly, must be miserable privately.
5) Cryptic Cindy- Cindy updates her status once or twice a day, and you never know anything more about Cindy after you've read them then you did before. Her updates are disturbingly vague. She will inundate your news feed with statements like, "I've been crying all morning...:(" (do note the frowny face icon - Cindy lives for emoticons) or, "So happy about the awesome news I just got!!!" and my personal favorite, "Why me?" These updates are annoying. Part of you wants to give them the attention that they are after and ask, "What is it???" But most of you just moves on to the next post.
6)Bad news Barb- Bad news Barb is the type of person who tells you an anecdote before she says hello when she sees you. I'm convinced that she checks Yahoo news four hundred times a day for the sole purpose of being the first to deliver news about the latest devastating earthquake, shocking hostage situation, or sickening celebrity break up gossip (isn't it just terrible about those poor children!?!). Often, Barb will use someone else's tragedy to remind her of how lucky she is and publicly counts her blessings, which is more distasteful than she realizes.
7)Political Polly- Polly watches CNN (or massive amounts of Fox News, take your pick) and she wants you to know it! She is passionate about the "issues" and needs you to be too. Obviously facebook is the best venue for politics, I mean, where else should you go to let everyone from your boss to your great grandma know exactly what is best for the world/country/state/city/block/neighbors house and why you know it? Here is how I handle Political Polly on facebook: If I agree with her, I don't comment. If I don't agree with her? I don't comment. We learn in "real life" not to discuss politics and religion in mixed company, so why should facebook be so different? (FYI- I don't suggest telling Polly the above advice, after all it is a free country).
8)Religious Reba- It's hard to dislike Reba. I don't mind her, I have no problem with anyone's GOD or anyone talking about him/her, but this facebook personality is worth mentioning. Everyone has that one facebook friend that has scripture for every situation and hardly goes five minutes without praising GOD for everything from getting her to work safely to helping her find the peanut butter in the grocery store. Then again... I do sometimes wonder if she has heard that rule about politics and religion.
9) Workout Wanda- This facebook personality is tricky because there are two subtypes. You have Marathon Miranda, and Chronic dieter Debbie. Somehow, both subtypes manage to spit out the same updates with this template: Today was [either good or bad]! I managed to eat [a,b, and c], and I [input exercise and amount]! The only difference is that Marathon Miranda will be talking about how she stuck to her diet of raw almonds and organic steamed spinach while running 8 miles, and Chronic dieter Debbie will be posting about how she stuck to her diet of seven glasses of water (2 pkgs of crystal light each) and 3 cans of soup. She even took the stairs instead of the elevator at work and parked further away then usual! We all know dieter Debbie. She is that woman in your office that proudly passes on the birthday cake opting instead for 17 of those pre- packaged 100 calorie servings of Oreos.
10)I friend everyone I meet Maggie- The only status updates from Maggie are those, Maggie is now friends with Jane Doe and John Smith ones. Maggie has well over seven hundred "friends" but hardly updates her status. I have deduced a couple of reasons why this is. Either she is trying to keep up with a jumbled mess of seven hundred other peoples' status updates, or she is too busy meeting people on buses and whipping out her iPhone to send them friend requests. I imagine it is probably worth it for her when she logs in on her birthday to see several hundred Happy Birthday Maggie!'s and feels super popular.
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